Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Pee Party: D.B. Cooper's on 39th Street

The continued exploration of KC's bathrooms.

Posted By on Wed, Sep 5, 2012 at 8:09 AM

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Pee Party is an irregular column where we investigate bar restrooms.

I adore D.B. Cooper's, the bar at 1804 West 39th Street. My friend and I have a standing weekly appointment to slide into one of the dimly lit dive’s booths and debrief over $5 pitchers of PBR and Schlitz served in frosted mugs. The newish digital jukebox lacks the charm of the place’s old CD-playing one, but its bizarre catalogue includes enough Third Eye Blind, Hootie and the Blowfish, the Divinyls and Brooke Hogan to keep us entertained (and other patrons annoyed with us).

Besides the cheap drinks and challenging music, the bar is great for talking. The full-time barflies tend to scram when the post-work rush begins. And there’s usually a quiet pocket between the office crowd’s departure and the nighttime rush — a wonderful time to be there.

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The thing about Cooper’s that warrants complaints is the men’s bathroom. It is a crapshoot. Sometimes literally! Week to week, you could find the one-urinal-one-seater john befouled by a fecal surprise, discarded chaw nuggets, and for some undetermined reason, boogers smeared on the wall.

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If you have a one-night stand with a dude you meet at D.B. Cooper’s and need to do a paternity test, chances are good you can get a DNA sample from the wall above the urinal. Why do Cooper’s male patrons feel the urge to smear their bloody boogers on the wall while relieving themselves? Why are all of their boogers bloody? Why doesn’t somebody clean it up? The bathroom raises so many intriguing questions, but answers none! It’s a given that every couple of weeks or so, a new red-green splotch will show up on the wall, as the old ones dry out and are eventually shed from the tile walls. The wall is a good study of the frictional coefficients of different people’s snot.

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It seems unlikely that Eric Hosmer was actually at Cooper’s, but if he was, why didn’t he mark the bathroom with the customary bloody booger?

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This is chaw dribble, right? Not something grosser? Yeah, let’s say it’s chaw dribble. Definitely chaw dribble.

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A lock! When this was added a few months ago, it marked serious progress for the bathroom. Before this, every time you used the restroom, you ran the risk of walking in on somebody doing serious business in the cramped bathroom. Late on weekend nights, you’ll occasionally find two fellas taking leaks side by side, but thankfully most guys abide by the one-in, one-out system.

There was another photo I had planned on including, but changed my mind when it came time to post this. We have to have some standards, even with Pee Party, right? A few months ago, somebody had a particularly powerful blast of a bowel movement, which left specks of doody all around the toilet and seat. No joke, the toilet stayed like that for weeks. I suspect a customer finally got sick of looking at it and chiseled it off.

That’s D.B. Coopers. Awesome bar, cheap beer, BYO-hazmat-suit restroom scenario.

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