Ghost Adventures' formula is simple: Tatted-up host Zak Bagans and his buds blow into a supposedly haunted place, set up a bunch of cameras, chat up the locals and try to find ghosts. It's must-see TV for dude-bros with a weakness for the paranormal and a cable package that includes the Travel Channel. And sooner or later, it was bound to find KC's Union Station.
We ran across the recently broadcast Union Station episode (also viewable on YouTube) and watched it so that you wouldn't have to. Spoiler alert: The only spirits are behind the bar at Pierpont's.
No, the chills in this episode are pretty earthbound. The part, for instance, when a security guard named Marcus tells Bagans (who is, surprisingly, not a hobbit - more like Guy Fieri trying out for the Scooby gang) that he once saw a woman's legs in high heels, and Bagans asks if they were nice legs. Icky. (Marcus says he tried to talk to her, but she disappeared - because obviously she was a ghost. "Ain't nobody can evaporate," he tells Bagans.)
Later, Bagans chills with John, a member of the Union Station audiovisual team and something of an over-sharer. John explains that his run-in with the other side came while he was ... indisposed. "I was going number two," he tells the camera crew. While sitting on the toilet, he heard the motion-activated faucets start running. He says he asked aloud if there was a ghost in the room. Bagans gives him a fist bump for investigating the supernatural while "taking a dump."
With this, Bagans conducts a séance to contact his inner 5-year-old. In an effort to re-create the scene that brought out the hand-washing ghost, he pops a squat in the bathroom and asks the ghost to show itself. No ghost appears. John explains: "You have to dump." Whether the spirit was there, no one's bowels were willing. The matter is dropped.
Per protocol, Bagans and his crew spend the whole night in the station with a man he describes as both a "hard-core skeptic" and a "full-blown skeptic." The crew spends the night trying to find ghosts on unused floors of the building. They find a spot where they think a ghost is and try to make it move a ball. No dice. Back on the main floor, they freak out when they see some movement inside Pierpont's. Alas, it's just two employees working at the restaurant, unaware that the show requires an empty building.
With that information, Bagans labels the investigation "contaminated." And because this is reality TV on a shoestring budget, not science, Bagans and the ghost bros don't stick around to try it again. If there are ghosts in Union Station, they know how to keep a secret.