This post originally appeared on the blog of our sister paper in St. Louis, the Riverfront Times.
By IAN FROEB
Photo: Nick Lucchesi
On the off chance you didn’t hear the news, Anheuser-Busch has accepted InBev’s $52 billion (or $70 a share) takeover bid. This creates not only the world’s biggest brewer but also a situation of some delicacy. What should be the flagship brand of the new Anheuser-Busch InBev, Budweiser or Stella Artois?
Never one to expound on a subject without immediate, first-hand experience, I headed down to the nearest bar and had a glass of each.
Yes, I’m paid to do this. No, you can’t have my job.
First, Budweiser. The King of Beers. It pours a pale straw gold with a foamy white head. A new keg, the bartender tells me. I take a sip. You know, I’ve never actually considered what a Bud tastes like. It just tastes like, you know, a Bud. Like the men’s room -- though with a fresh urinal cake. Like Busch Stadium in the eighth inning on a hot, humid August afternoon. It has (now I’m reading the notes I wrote on p. 69 of the August issue of Food & Wine magazine) “a bready aftertaste…sour.” Actually, it’s not that bad. Thirst-quenching, as far as beers go. The finish is a little tart, kinda applelike.
Second, Stella. “We’ve had over 600 years to get the recipe right,” reads the ad copy conveniently located on the back page of the aforementioned copy of Food & Wine magazine. The Belgians, of course, having had nothing better to do in that time except 1) be invaded; 2) make waffles; 3) administrate the European Union.
Stella wasn’t available in St. Louis and Kansas City until a few years ago, when it suddenly appeared overnight like crabgrass, every bar in town seemingly sprouting a Stella tap, a Stella patio umbrella and a set of those Stella tulip glasses with the gold rim that flakes off if you scratch it or, if you’re as easily confused as I am, if you sometimes try to chew your beer.
Thankfully, this bar doesn’t have the fancy glasses. The beer pours maybe a touch darker than Bud -- though the light in here sucks, so maybe it’s the same color. Hell, maybe it’s blue? I’m drinking beer at 2 p.m. on a Monday. Things aren’t exactly taking solid forms, OK? At any rate, Stella is definitely crisper than Bud. The flavor is stronger, I suppose, though forgettable. Kinda hoppy, kinda malty. A little bitter. A beer to drink, not savor.
So which should be the flagship brand of Anheuser-Busch InBev? I suppose Stella is the better beer, but neither is stellar.
Get it?
Sorry. As I said, beer on a Monday afternoon isn't conducive to quality work. So Stella's a better beer. BUT. It’s Belgian. And a six-pack is, like, $2 or $3 more than a six-pack of Bud. And its bottles are 11.2 ounces, because the Belgians use the metric system. Or something.
On the other hand, Budweiser has that classy label (“This is the famous Budweiser beer....”) and, more importantly, the Clydesdales. Those fuckers could roll right over the Belgians.
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Pathetic review, poorly written. If the writer is being paid for this, then it is a shame.
Pathetic review, poorly written. If the writer is being paid for this, then it is a shame.
dranker, please, it is (the) Trevor to you. Seeing how you probably do not know of Packham, you are unable to contemplate the benefits of having him outside the city. Additionally, you may not be aware of veteran Jen Chen�s Night Ranger work or my feeble attempt to resurrect it in some amazing form. Hopefully you find these tidbits educational in your apparent quest to expose the obvious.
I don't know if you know this, Trev, but Stella and Bud are BOTH AVAILABLE IN KC!
What a concept.
Methinks the peeps in St. Louis have drank too much Mississippi River water. Never has such opportunity been more wasted than this attempt at a review. The most important event to hit St. Louis since Lewis and Clark and this is the best the Alt Press can come up with?
Alas, I suppose The Pitch can consider this some pro bono work for aspiring writers.
Now, send fat ass Packham and Jen Chen to St. Louis to do this job properly.
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