OK, last-minute-shoppers: Here are gifts you can pick up on Christmas morning. The only places open on Christmas are ethnic restaurants (more on that tomorrow), authentic Jewish delis (of which, KC sadly has none) and drugstores. Walgreens and CVS both proudly advertise that they are open on Christmas Eve and Christmas.
Here's a sampling of the kind of last-minute gifts you can expect to find at CVS:
Journey's Edge digital recording photo-frame
with built-in clock ($9.99)
Journey's Edge describes itself as "The place where knowledge begins."
Capturing the world in 2D, producing sound in a box and telling time accurately would certainly qualify you as a knowledgeable person. You can do all three with this device. Journey's Edge promises that getting this present "is just
like receiving a visit in person!" Which is accurate as long as the visitor is inches tall
and only speaks the same eight-second phrase over and over. Requires
two AA batteries.
Kung-fu Panda Chia (on sale for $14.99)
Kung-fu loving gardeners are always tough to shop for. This Po the Panda chia is the perfect gift to win their hearts. Water Po on Christmas and by New Year's, he should be sprouting a full head of green panda hair. In a perfect world CVS would have also had in stock the acclaimed Kung Fu Panda DVD.
Gift Cards: lots and lots of gift cards.
In the words of Mitch Hedberg, "Gift certificates -- what a way to fuck up money." They have the advantage of making you seem like you visited a store when you didn't. I was surprised to find Starbucks gift cards at CVS. In amounts from $10 to $25, they were the same cards you see at Starbucks counters. Home Depot, Domino's and iTunes gift cards were also available. (The perfect card to give to a person you hate is the Linen N'Things $25 gift card. The company is going out of business and is under no obligations to accept gift cards.)
Jumbo Universal Remote ($9.99)
As interior decorators will tell you, an easy way to class up your living room or den is by adding a comically big remote control. At a soaring 11 inches long, this jumbo remote is the Manute Bol of remotes and guarantees you'll never lose the remote in the couch again. Jumbo Remote's target audience is the technologically stunted, which is ironic because it takes a lot of Internet savvy to find the right television code for this device. For exotic (read:off-brand) models of televisions, you're going to have know how to search forums and newsgroups where a lot of codes are posted. It's all worth it though, because if you own a big-screen television you need a big-ass remote to match.
ShamWow ($19.99)
"Hey Vince here for ShamWow." It's not easy to forget Vince, ShamWow's spokesman, who in the words of Slate, "makes us feel like idiots for even entertaining the notion of not buying a ShamWow." If you've ever been tempted to buy a ShamWow (and anybody who's watched Vince has) then you'll be extra tempted when you find them at CVS with Vince's mug on the cover.
Other potential gifts I saw included Three Pack Boot Socks by National ($3.99), which any Hanukkah Harry fan will appreciate.
Monogrammed Hand Towels ($2.99), which seemed like a good deal but are one-time use and only monogrammed with a single letter.
HD Vision wrap arounds ($9.99), like the ShamWow these have been seen on TV and it says so prominently on the box. It also says that wearing these sunglasses is "just like high definition television" which makes no sense.
More practical were these warm-looking fleece-lined clogs called Fleece Doggers, which might be a potential replacement for slippers. A pair cost $12.99 but there was a "buy one and get second pair half off" deal. -- Owen Morris
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