Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The five pizza-crust frontiers we have yet to cross

Posted By on Tue, Apr 17, 2012 at 8:30 AM

People are obviously unable to resist a free mustard drizzle.
  • People are obviously unable to resist a free mustard drizzle.
The world has had a few days to digest the news that Pizza Hut has managed to smuggle a hot dog in its pizza crust for a new menu item available in the United Kingdom. Here's The Guardian's delightful take on the pizza-strosity:

I soon neared the end of my slice and its bedoughed, pink-brown phallus. I took a tentative bite. It was a hot dog sausage. It was rubbery and processed and salty and smoky. How, in its own filthy way, could it be anything other than delicious?

Indeed. Since Pizza Hut has clearly defined the future of pizza, Fat City has decided to offer five more pizza-crust frontiers that we should strive to cross in the coming years.

5. Nacho Cheese. The stuff they sell on movie and ballpark nachos has an infinite shelf life and is likely as cheap as the air that would otherwise be occupying the empty space in the crust.

4. Shame. I'm assuming this would have a slightly bitter aftertaste and would only come in single-serving or party-box sizes.

3. Molten Hot Ranch. Some people simply view pizza as the inconvenient bites between delicious Ranch. Let's just remove the barrier to dressing.

2. King Cake Plastic Baby. The annual tradition from the Mardi Gras cake - whoever gets the slice with the plastic baby has to buy next year's cake - could add a little spice to ordering pizza.

1. Icing. This was only going to ever end one way and that was with icing. We may not like what we see in the mirror, but it's time we started being honest that eventually even dessert breadsticks will seem like too much work.

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