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Oh, and cash: Claiming the teacher slapped one-fourth of Curtis' "million dollar face," Bowen included with the letter a handmade invoice for $250,000, which should just about cover Curtis' therapy.
Statesman of the Year
In the Great Recession, politicians tend to blather on about fringe issues like "job creation," "economic development" and "not starving our asses off." But a select few know the truth: That it's not the rumbling of poor people's stomachs that guides our policy decisions, but rather the rumbling of God's stomach when he gets hungry for some tasty judgment.
Matt Bartle is one such statesman. A Republican state senator from Lee's Summit, Bartle spent years trying to legislate the strip-club industry out of business, convinced that his disdain for nudity would land him box seats in the afterlife. Time after time he was turned away by morally bankrupt lawmakers, who somehow couldn't see the upside of erasing tax revenue, killing jobs, and flooding the streets with strawberry-scented vixens named after luxury cars.
But Bartle was persistent. Earlier this year, with elections approaching and every strand of pragmatism finally yanked from his country's political system, he pushed through his bill. It was signed by Gov. Jay Nixon — what, you thought he was some kind of perv? — and in August it became law. Missouri's strip clubs no longer feature booze, nudity or physical contact, just like Bartle's 20s.
And so we honor Bartle with his first Larry Johnson Award. May he be clutching his trophy — or anything heavy, really — when he arrives at heaven's gates. He'll need it to fend off the glittery mob.