"End your transition."
I was walking through an alley on my way to work at Einstein Bros. in Lawrence. It was dark, maybe 2:30 in the morning in January. Every morning, I would walk to work and pray. But I hit a point where it was a one-sided conversation, which wasn't the way it had been. But I still prayed. I knew there was a reason that God wasn't talking to me.
Hearing those words stopped me in my tracks. I felt really uncomfortable. I tried to reason with God, but, of course, that was human reason, which doesn't stand up to divine foresight. I decided to drop it until later. I was like, We will revisit this after work. And we did. When I got home after work, I went to the basement and prayed.
I had mixed feelings about the message. I wanted to hear from you, God, but this isn't what I wanted to hear. Suddenly, abruptly, I'm expected to end my transition from Jessica to who I am today, Claven Snow.
Growing up, I would always try to pass as a boy. I would make beards out of shaving cream. I would make bow ties out of the bows my mother would put in my hair. I'd cut my hair short because Mom wouldn't take me in for short haircuts.
At first, I did not obey. I was praying the type of prayers that you hear prayed in Lamentations, where Jeremiah is like, "I know I'm never going to have peace until I listen and obey, but I don't care. I'll deal with that."
God broke it down. If I wasn't going to listen, He was going to withhold His presence from me. And that was horrible and heartbreaking. I was like, OK, fine, I will end my transition. I finally stopped taking testosterone in February 2005.
When I started presenting as a female again, I wasn't happy. Some people thought I was suffering from schizophrenia. But I wasn't. People asked me, "You're wearing a skirt. Do you identify as female now?" I wasn't going to tell them that God told me to stop my transition. People get committed for saying God spoke to them. If someone asked why I went off "T," I told them that I went off for spiritual reasons. If someone wanted me to elaborate, I'd tell them.
Then I started passing out. The first time I passed out was at home. I wasn't sure if I fell asleep watching TV. Then it happened at work. My boss encouraged me to go to the doctor.
When I found out that my heart valve would have blown and I could have died if I hadn't stopped taking testosterone, that explained everything to me. My transition was going to kill me physically, not spiritually. It turned out who I was was fine. What I was putting in my body wasn't. I felt that I got a pretty clear OK from God to start living as a man.
I didn't have insurance to cover heart surgery or money to post upfront. I had a hard time getting surgery because there were a few doctors who wouldn't see me because I didn't have any money. Isn't that creepy? If you don't have enough money, you can't get heart surgery and you die. How many people die waiting for surgery? A fair amount, probably. I have a really good doctor who searched around for a surgeon after surgeon No. 1 denied me. My surgery was on April 19, 2006.
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oh, so that means that all the money i pay in taxes out of my measly fucking paycheck goes to HER getting free drugs for problems SHE caused for HERSELF by taking testosterone and steroids? i cant even afford the generic fucking tylenol at walgreens - fuck you dude, thanks for fuckin me over. im so glad my hard earned money goes towards fuckups like you. YOU PAY FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING DRUGS, DONT MAKE ME DO IT. alls fine if you wanna live life as a man, but dont burden the rest of society with your sexual hangups. its not my fucking problem.
oh, so that means that all the money i pay in taxes out of my measly fucking paycheck goes to HER getting free drugs for problems SHE caused for HERSELF by taking testosterone and steroids? i cant even afford the generic fucking tylenol at walgreens - fuck you dude, thanks for fuckin me over. im so glad my hard earned money goes towards fuckups like you. YOU PAY FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING DRUGS, DONT MAKE ME DO IT. alls fine if you wanna live life as a man, but dont burden the rest of society with your sexual hangups. its not my fucking problem.
Wow. I read your formal response to Vanessa's post. I agree with everything Vanessa posted, and since Claven states in his "formal response" that she has no right to speak her piece since she isn't an FTM or a Christian, I'll speak mine too. I'm an FTM, and a Christian, and Claven's most recent ex. When he and I started dating he was still working. It wasn't his boss that told him to stop working like it said in the article, it was me. He was far too sick to work, his skin looked sick and pale. I know first hand how sick Claven J. Snow was, because I was the one who paid his rent, cooked his food, cleaned his house, helped him get insurance and other resources. I'm also probably who he's written into in his "formal response" as his "sleeper crazy" physically abusive ex, though he may be talking about somebody else I know as well, since there are definitely more than 2 of his ex's that are "embittered." He also used the pronoun "she" for me in that response, though he knows I'm an FTM. He also doesn't call me Isaiah. I'm sure he'd probably make a big stink and call me abusive if I called him she instead of he and by the name on his birth certificate. When I was taking care of this deceptive asshole, he didn't let me leave the house. I lost touch with friends that lived less than 2 miles from me. He'd demand sex from me, and guilt me if I wasn't in the mood. He never cared about my emotional health in the slightest. He cared so little that when we went to a therapist he told by the therapist that if he didn't allow me to leave the house I'd snap from too much anxiety, but he still didn't let me leave without making the anxiety of doing so worse than if I had just submitted to his whims by emotionally manipulating me. Now on the subject the "I'm a Christian and an Anarchist" statement, he's a liar, a thief, and he calls the cops. He told me he'd pay me back for the 7 or so months of my life that I paid for everything. He hasn't, and won't even when his disability comes through and he's got twenty grand in his pocket. I fear he will do more to hurt me. He has threatened me with many things and he's followed through with a lot of those things. I have a tendency to bounce back though, which of course just gains more ire from Claven, even though that very quality about me is exactly what kept him taken care of before his surgery. I think he'd like to see me living in the gutter worshiping Satan just so he could go "I told you he was no good." He stole my bicycle, which is registered in his name, but when he left me for the girl he was cheating on me with, AKA Emily, he told me to keep it, and the cop that Claven so gracefully made me have to speak with told me that if that was the case, it didn't matter if Claven's name is the one matched to the serial number, because he gave it to me, that makes it mine. Two months ago I came home from my friends birthday party to find my bike gone. I am stuck paying for a two bedroom that Claven wanted and doesn't live in or pay for, and I can hardly afford it. I don't have to tell you what gas prices are like, but needless to say, I can't afford to drive everywhere I need to be and that bicycle was my main transportation. Now I knew that Claven took it because with all the physical evidence of theft present, the only conclusion I could come to was somebody picked the lock very expertly, or had a key. Claven still had a key. I told people to keep an eye out for it, but I knew Claven was keeping it hidden. I just this week saw my bike locked to his porch while I was walking my dog (no, I'm not stalking him, he convinced Emily to sign a lease down the block from me before I found out he was cheating on me with her and he moved out of my place) I went to check the lock to see if I could take it back and he yelled out the window that he called the cops. The cop didn't do anything to me, he didn't even check my ID. The point is, Anarchists shouldn't call the cops. Christians shouldn't lie, steal, and cheat on their lovers and then make a big stink about what a good Christian they are. I used to go to Central United Methodist with Claven. I'm sure if I walked in there now, he'd walk out or make a scene. Christians shouldn't make other Christians feel unwelcome in the presence of God. FTMs shouldn't call other FTMs she. You can decide what you want when you read this article, but the fact is I know him so well I can predict his responses, and he is a poor representation of FTMs, Christians, and Anarchists. You would do well to look other places to find good representations of those groups.
Isaiah
Wow. I read your formal response to Vanessa's post. I agree with everything Vanessa posted, and since Claven states in his "formal response" that she has no right to speak her piece since she isn't an FTM or a Christian, I'll speak mine too. I'm an FTM, and a Christian, and Claven's most recent ex. When he and I started dating he was still working. It wasn't his boss that told him to stop working like it said in the article, it was me. He was far too sick to work, his skin looked sick and pale. I know first hand how sick Claven J. Snow was, because I was the one who paid his rent, cooked his food, cleaned his house, helped him get insurance and other resources. I'm also probably who he's written into in his "formal response" as his "sleeper crazy" physically abusive ex, though he may be talking about somebody else I know as well, since there are definitely more than 2 of his ex's that are "embittered." He also used the pronoun "she" for me in that response, though he knows I'm an FTM. He also doesn't call me Isaiah. I'm sure he'd probably make a big stink and call me abusive if I called him she instead of he and by the name on his birth certificate. When I was taking care of this deceptive asshole, he didn't let me leave the house. I lost touch with friends that lived less than 2 miles from me. He'd demand sex from me, and guilt me if I wasn't in the mood. He never cared about my emotional health in the slightest. He cared so little that when we went to a therapist he told by the therapist that if he didn't allow me to leave the house I'd snap from too much anxiety, but he still didn't let me leave without making the anxiety of doing so worse than if I had just submitted to his whims by emotionally manipulating me. Now on the subject the "I'm a Christian and an Anarchist" statement, he's a liar, a thief, and he calls the cops. He told me he'd pay me back for the 7 or so months of my life that I paid for everything. He hasn't, and won't even when his disability comes through and he's got twenty grand in his pocket. I fear he will do more to hurt me. He has threatened me with many things and he's followed through with a lot of those things. I have a tendency to bounce back though, which of course just gains more ire from Claven, even though that very quality about me is exactly what kept him taken care of before his surgery. I think he'd like to see me living in the gutter worshiping Satan just so he could go "I told you he was no good." He stole my bicycle, which is registered in his name, but when he left me for the girl he was cheating on me with, AKA Emily, he told me to keep it, and the cop that Claven so gracefully made me have to speak with told me that if that was the case, it didn't matter if Claven's name is the one matched to the serial number, because he gave it to me, that makes it mine. Two months ago I came home from my friends birthday party to find my bike gone. I am stuck paying for a two bedroom that Claven wanted and doesn't live in or pay for, and I can hardly afford it. I don't have to tell you what gas prices are like, but needless to say, I can't afford to drive everywhere I need to be and that bicycle was my main transportation. Now I knew that Claven took it because with all the physical evidence of theft present, the only conclusion I could come to was somebody picked the lock very expertly, or had a key. Claven still had a key. I told people to keep an eye out for it, but I knew Claven was keeping it hidden. I just this week saw my bike locked to his porch while I was walking my dog (no, I'm not stalking him, he convinced Emily to sign a lease down the block from me before I found out he was cheating on me with her and he moved out of my place) I went to check the lock to see if I could take it back and he yelled out the window that he called the cops. The cop didn't do anything to me, he didn't even check my ID. The point is, Anarchists shouldn't call the cops. Christians shouldn't lie, steal, and cheat on their lovers and then make a big stink about what a good Christian they are. I used to go to Central United Methodist with Claven. I'm sure if I walked in there now, he'd walk out or make a scene. Christians shouldn't make other Christians feel unwelcome in the presence of God. FTMs shouldn't call other FTMs she. You can decide what you want when you read this article, but the fact is I know him so well I can predict his responses, and he is a poor representation of FTMs, Christians, and Anarchists. You would do well to look other places to find good representations of those groups. Isaiah
The link failed, so it's a copy-paste job for the promised response.
http://glasshaus.livejournal.c...
Hi. I would like to thank everyone for the feedback regarding the article. It does appear that most of you have tried to keep your comments constructive, and that is appreciated. I have also recieved private messages and emails that are all very positive and the show of support is gratifying. Also, while I make no promises to take anyone's advice, it is always helpful to get another perspective on things, so I think you for your insights. While I didn't really care to do this, it keeps coming up, so I have formally responded to Vanessa's comment. If you're interested in reading it this is my response to what she had to say.
Again, Thank you for reading the article and thank you for your replies.
-Claven
The link failed, so it's a copy-paste job for the promised response. http://glasshaus.livejournal.com/2007/06/02/
Hi. I would like to thank everyone for the feedback regarding the article. It does appear that most of you have tried to keep your comments constructive, and that is appreciated. I have also recieved private messages and emails that are all very positive and the show of support is gratifying. Also, while I make no promises to take anyone's advice, it is always helpful to get another perspective on things, so I think you for your insights. While I didn't really care to do this, it keeps coming up, so I have formally responded to Vanessa's comment. If you're interested in reading it this is my response to what she had to say. Again, Thank you for reading the article and thank you for your replies. -Claven
to *vanessa*, you say that Claven abused all his romantic partners yet i only know two who are the least bit embittered. one of his exes is his closest friend and others he is still on friendly terms with.
also, you say he is obsessed with getting attention but never did he go to the pitch and say "write on me!" he was approached both times. he's never -had- to approach anyone for media attention.
my only qualm with this story is the lack of a proper ending. but hey, room for a sequel?
-ems
to *vanessa*, you say that Claven abused all his romantic partners yet i only know two who are the least bit embittered. one of his exes is his closest friend and others he is still on friendly terms with. also, you say he is obsessed with getting attention but never did he go to the pitch and say "write on me!" he was approached both times. he's never -had- to approach anyone for media attention. my only qualm with this story is the lack of a proper ending. but hey, room for a sequel? -ems
You don't have to have sexual "problems" for your family to reject you.
I was abused as a child, which did not help things. Your "Don't ask, don't tell" comment comes to mind. But it was like "These things don't happen in our family" also.
The fact I was a bastard did not help. It was like a family joke for 46 years, kept from me until all the "players" were dead.
I simpithise with you dear person. But sometimes you just have to say "I've done my best, it's all in His and their hands now."
Good luck in your life.
You don't have to have sexual "problems" for your family to reject you. I was abused as a child, which did not help things. Your "Don't ask, don't tell" comment comes to mind. But it was like "These things don't happen in our family" also. The fact I was a bastard did not help. It was like a family joke for 46 years, kept from me until all the "players" were dead. I simpithise with you dear person. But sometimes you just have to say "I've done my best, it's all in His and their hands now." Good luck in your life.
I believe you received part of the message, but not all. If you're as firm a believer as you claim, then you know God makes NO MISTAKES. If he wanted you to be male. You would be male. There is NO in- between, no middle ground, no "reasoning" when it comes to God's Word. As I'm writing this though, I must admit I may agree with you a bit \ONLY if you're not acting as a male. As I see it fornication is fornucation. So, as long as you're living physically the way God intended for us all, you're good. My uncle was that way. He died of AIDS, but let me know over and over, the way he felt inside wasn't sinful, only when he acted on those feelings.
I believe you received part of the message, but not all. If you're as firm a believer as you claim, then you know God makes NO MISTAKES. If he wanted you to be male. You would be male. There is NO in- between, no middle ground, no "reasoning" when it comes to God's Word. As I'm writing this though, I must admit I may agree with you a bit \ONLY if you're not acting as a male. As I see it fornication is fornucation. So, as long as you're living physically the way God intended for us all, you're good. My uncle was that way. He died of AIDS, but let me know over and over, the way he felt inside wasn't sinful, only when he acted on those feelings.
what claven fails to mention in this article and his previous article in the pitch is that he's a compulsive liar, extraordinarily manipulative, and abusive to his romantic partners. he didn't put me in this story, but i had been with him for over 2 years when god told him to "end his transition". what he conveniently left out is that we broke up because god also told him that being trans was immoral, being queer was immoral, and having extramarital sex was immoral. he lied to me the whole time we were together. he has lied to, manipulated, controlled, and coerced all of his partners, and now he's lied to and manipulated the entire pitch staff and readership. claven makes christians, anarchists, and trans people all look bad. he's an attention hound; he thrives on this shit. there are lots of transfolks who aren't freaks out there, pitch staff. maybe you should find some of them to interview.
What the fuck?!! THAT'S your ending? Holy fucking let down! What an anti-climactic hunk of literary shit. Thanks a lot for allowing publication on an unfinished story. Oh, and tell your editor they're just as incompetent.
what claven fails to mention in this article and his previous article in the pitch is that he's a compulsive liar, extraordinarily manipulative, and abusive to his romantic partners. he didn't put me in this story, but i had been with him for over 2 years when god told him to "end his transition". what he conveniently left out is that we broke up because god also told him that being trans was immoral, being queer was immoral, and having extramarital sex was immoral. he lied to me the whole time we were together. he has lied to, manipulated, controlled, and coerced all of his partners, and now he's lied to and manipulated the entire pitch staff and readership. claven makes christians, anarchists, and trans people all look bad. he's an attention hound; he thrives on this shit. there are lots of transfolks who aren't freaks out there, pitch staff. maybe you should find some of them to interview.
What the fuck?!! THAT'S your ending? Holy fucking let down! What an anti-climactic hunk of literary shit. Thanks a lot for allowing publication on an unfinished story. Oh, and tell your editor they're just as incompetent.
Claven,
God bless you! Your story was a testimony to me. God loves you and looks after you. He does the same for me and I am truly grateful that i am getting to know him like you. Your struggle is great but yet you keep the faith. You are an inspiration to me! As you continue to grow in your faith it is important that you do not buy into a philosophy solely based on your own personal experience. I see your point, based on the article, how you support anarchy but please realize that there are thousands of tragic, life threatening cases like yours among 300 million plus people that forces a delay in hearing your case. It is an unfortunate effect of being one of the greatest nations of the world, many of which have no disability system what so ever. It is bitterness and frustration that lead us to negative thinking that says it is all about money. Let that go and pray to God that he look upon you and do His will. He will deliver you. Do not let these worldly problems get to you. Pray for God to deliver you according to His master plan. He has saved you to this day and he will protect you going forth so have no doubt and believe! God loves you and so do I!
Claven, God bless you! Your story was a testimony to me. God loves you and looks after you. He does the same for me and I am truly grateful that i am getting to know him like you. Your struggle is great but yet you keep the faith. You are an inspiration to me! As you continue to grow in your faith it is important that you do not buy into a philosophy solely based on your own personal experience. I see your point, based on the article, how you support anarchy but please realize that there are thousands of tragic, life threatening cases like yours among 300 million plus people that forces a delay in hearing your case. It is an unfortunate effect of being one of the greatest nations of the world, many of which have no disability system what so ever. It is bitterness and frustration that lead us to negative thinking that says it is all about money. Let that go and pray to God that he look upon you and do His will. He will deliver you. Do not let these worldly problems get to you. Pray for God to deliver you according to His master plan. He has saved you to this day and he will protect you going forth so have no doubt and believe! God loves you and so do I!
Claven's story is hard to read, BUT EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT AND THINK ABOUT IT! Everyone one of us faces huge (to us) issues that may often seem impossible to deal with on a doable, holistic, long term workable-liveable basis. Most people hide from the truth in their and other's lives and that may get one from their teens to death. But, could facing the truth and trying to find a way to make their lives happier, healthier, and those of the people in their family and social orbits, make their world and the larger world a better place? I think it would based on my own life-tasks that I've chosen to deal with rather than ignore or sweep under the rug!
The tasks of dealing honestly and purposefully with all the issues on one's plate is lots of heavy lifting! There can be lots of friction and damage along the way, but, if like Claven, one is following their Spiritual Path, while on the road of life and being as honest to themselves as they can be and continue "weaving and bobbing" thru life as honesty, kindness, and goodness (Godness) requires, "Their Paths Shall Be Made Straighter" and their rewards will perhaps be known only unto themselves, BUT, THAT'S ENOUGH!
Claven's story is hard to read, BUT EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT AND THINK ABOUT IT! Everyone one of us faces huge (to us) issues that may often seem impossible to deal with on a doable, holistic, long term workable-liveable basis. Most people hide from the truth in their and other's lives and that may get one from their teens to death. But, could facing the truth and trying to find a way to make their lives happier, healthier, and those of the people in their family and social orbits, make their world and the larger world a better place? I think it would based on my own life-tasks that I've chosen to deal with rather than ignore or sweep under the rug! The tasks of dealing honestly and purposefully with all the issues on one's plate is lots of heavy lifting! There can be lots of friction and damage along the way, but, if like Claven, one is following their Spiritual Path, while on the road of life and being as honest to themselves as they can be and continue "weaving and bobbing" thru life as honesty, kindness, and goodness (Godness) requires, "Their Paths Shall Be Made Straighter" and their rewards will perhaps be known only unto themselves, BUT, THAT'S ENOUGH!
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