Those seeking to understand the nature of victory and defeat at the Pitch Music Awards Friday at the Uptown can absorb the sage advice proffered by Connery in that most triumphant of escape-from-Nicolas Cage (or was it Alcatraz?) movies, The Rock: "Losers always whine about their best," Connery noted in his thick Scottish brogue. "Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."
But as I stumbled among the tumult of the 2004 Pitch Music Showcase with visions of Connery dancing in my head, I couldn't help but feel sorry for all those musicians who will go home from the Uptown empty-handed. Who would be their prom queen?
Hell, I'm not busy.
And as I wandered from pub to pub, watching band after band perform at the showcase, I decided that 18 PMA categories can't satiate the local music beast. So I have taken the liberty of offering these additional awards to the bands that made this year's showcase one that Sean Connery would be proud of.
Best Beard Coordination
Ghosty. Many can play mildly tortured indie-pop artists, but few can look the part as well. And Ghosty's members not only sported some fine facial flax but also produced solid music -- whenever the gazillion television sets at Tizers weren't short-circuiting the band's equipment.
Best Political Papa
Brother of Moses from the Deep Thinkers. This activist, MC and soon-to-be father prowled the eye of the Hurricane offering musings such as "I didn't need Fahrenheit to tell me Bush wasn't right" as his lyrics and Leonard D. Story's head-bobbing beats led me to the promised land.
Best Incidental Misogynist
D.C. Bellamy. When Bellamy's set at Blayney's was initially marred by a sputtering amp, the ever agile bluesman quipped, "Must have been a woman that set this equipment up." Grumbles erupted before Bellamy reassured the crowd that he was only joking.
Best Nod to his Influences
Tom Wagner of Conner. I suspect that the guitarist was born wearing his John Lennon-style "New York City" shirt, in honor of the city that bred the Velvet Underground, Sonic Youth and the Ramones (with whose members Wagner appears to share a hair stylist).
Best Genital Lyrics
Liz Nord. It probably shouldn't come as a surprise that the fiery frontwoman barking I want to see your pussy/Show it to me in the middle of Tizers sings for a band named Sister Mary Rotten Crotch.
Best Stage Prop
Descension. The head impaled on the microphone stand was a nice touch. As was the face paint and the spiked leather. Then Astoroth Occultus poured a goblet of "blood" on a woman dressed as a nun. The nun, for her part, had phenomenal tatters. This became public knowledge when she stripped off her habit, exposing two bare, blood-soaked breasts, the nipples covered by electrical tape in the shape of upside-down crosses. Sister Chastity then writhed on the ground, groping herself and Occultus before slinking offstage.
Best One Liners
Mac Lethal. When he wasn't referencing The Family Guy or suggesting to actress Jennifer Connelly that he would like to hit [her] with the money shot and key [her] Lexus, Mac was offering prime non sequitur nuggets: "Make some motherfuckin' claps for Uma Thurman; "Fuck J-Kwon -- everybody in the club read a book"; "Raise your hands for all you in favor of Missy Elliott eating more mashed potatoes ... [and] New Balance shoes covered in melted cheese."
Best Campaign Promises
Vibralux. Never underestimate the prestige of a Pitch Music Award. Vibralux singer Mercury 2 promised the Beaumont crowd, "If we win [in the Live Act category], queers all over the world will be able to be married ... marijuana will be legal ... and we'll remove the smoking ban in Lawrence. "
Best Dude Looks Like a Lady
Mercury 2. The whole guys-dressed-as-glam-rock-gals thing makes you feel kind of funny. When you realize that Mercury makes kind of an attractive woman in his pink sequined dress, it's enough to make you question your sexuality. But if you need an answer to that question, better not ask Sean Connery. He's a sexy lad himself.