Bienvenidos to the world's foremost authority on America's favorite beaners! The Mexican can answer any and every question on his race, from why Mexicans stick the Virgin of Guadalupe everywhere to our obsession with dwarves and transvestites. (In the course of his answers, the Mexican will use certain terms and phrases for better-rounded answers; for definitions, see his glossary at www.pitch.com.) Awright, cabrones: laugh and comprende!
Thirteen years old, and I'm jacking off, not knowing I left the bathroom door ajar. Just as I blasted onto the shower curtain, my mom walked in. Aghast, she shouted, "Cochino, te vas hacer siego y se te va enchocar el pito" ("You pig, you're going to go blind, and your dick will get crooked"). Scared the hell out of me, and I stopped choking the chicken for at least a month. Is the threat of going blind from jerking off purely a Mexican belief, or is it universal? Gracias a Diós por laser eye surgery. Pito Chueco
Dear Crooked Dick:
All American boys have pickle-pulling hang-ups, but Mexican chavos suffer doubly gracias to two anti-masturbation schools of thought: the Puritan view that monkey spanking is dirty because it leads to pleasure, and the Catholic insistence that wanking is a mortal sin because it doesn't lead to procreation. For a history of the former, the Mexican recommends Thomas W. Laqueur's fine Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation, a 2003 academic tome with many interesting tidbits for instance, the Protestant war against beating your meat didn't begin in earnest until the 1712 publication of Onania: or the Heinous Sin of Self-Pollution, and All Its Frightful Consequences in Both SEXES, Considered, With Spiritual and Physical Advice to Those Who Have Already Injur'd Themselves by This Abominable Practice. Catholic theologians, on the other hand, have maintained for millennia that masturbation is evil incarnate: Augustine of Hippo railed against it, St. Thomas Aquinas claimed in his epic Summa Theologica that dancing the one-fisted tango is worse than rape because rape can at least lead to pregnancy, and the Catechism of the Catholic Church describes rubbing your rocket as "an intrinsically and gravely disordered action."
But thanks for sharing your plight, Pito Chueco. It's further proof that Mexicans assimilate into this great land. The dual dogmas of Protestantism and Catholicism, America and Mexico, old and new country truly screw with a horny brown boy's mind. The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality says that for Mexicans, "Self-pleasuring is still one of the most anxiety-provoking of all sexual issues." I can attest to that I continue to promise God that the last time really was the last time, that I defile myself because I'm a sinner. And then I do it again. Gracias a Diós for His eternal forgiveness.
Why do you portray Mexicans as liberals when the majority are conservative? Jorge P. Bush
Don't you read this column? Each week, Ask a Mexican! portrays Mexicans as perfect Republicans: homo-hating, Jew-baiting, Negro-bashing, chino-trashing religious fanatics who believe in free markets and self-determination and who want to wipe Guatemalans off the map. Various polls identify this Mexican GOP gene. The most comprehensive, a 2003 survey by the Pew Hispanic Center, found that 80 percent of Latinos disapprove of abortion, 40 percent think divorce is unacceptable, and 72 percent hate gays. (By comparison, 60, 24 and 59 percent of gabachos felt the same regarding each respective topic.) But even the most Neanderthal Mexican becomes a Democrat once Republicans start babbling about immigration restrictions. See, Mexicans support open borders not because they want to take back the Southwest but because they're students of American history. They know that los Estados Unidos exploits wave after wave of immigrants and that these immigrants willingly suffer through the toil with the understanding that America will allow their children a chance at better lives, a chance to become Americans. Stop Mexican migration, and the children of Mexican immigrants remain Mexicans and what Mexican in his right mind wants that?
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. And those of you who do submit questions: Include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!