11:32 a.m. Nelly wakes up groggy after staying up until 5 a.m. discussing upcoming collaboration project with Barry Manilow. Reaches for can of Pimp Juice.
12:52-1:13 p.m. Flips through dictionary looking for words that could use a good erre up in thurr. Comes up with debonerre, underwerre, vinegerre.
1:50 p.m. Finishes daily primping by applying superficial facial Band-Aid.
1:55-1:57 p.m. Realizes Band-Aid looks incredibly stupid. Reapplies in more stylish fashion.
2:15-2:19 p.m. Calls Ashanti on cell phone. Asks if she's still his "boo." Receives inconclusive answer: "Baby, baby, baby ... baaabbby."
3:00-3:40 p.m. Attends meeting with the board of directors for his wildly successful brand of women's hip-hop apparel, Apple Bottoms. Proposes introducing a line of men's bikini briefs, to be called "Fruit Basketz."
4:15-5:50 p.m. Reads through script for his upcoming role in a remake of the 2004 film You Got Served. Wonders aloud whether anyone can possibly improve upon J-Boog's interpretation of savvy street dancer Rico.
6:03-7:20 p.m. Feeling unsure of himself, calls members of St. Lunatics. Asks if they want to get the group back together. Laughs ass off.
7:30 p.m. Realizes he's running late for a charity event to benefit disabled children.
7:30-8:29 p.m. Parks his ass on living room couch. Stares at clock for 59 minutes.
8:34 p.m. Hops in diamond-encrusted Bling Mobile for the 80-second commute from his manse in West, West Buttfuck, Missouri, to downtown St. Louis.
Arrives in hotel ballroom, where benefit ended 45 minutes prior. Performs acoustic version of "Hot in Herre" for three paraplegic grade-schoolers whose rides have yet to pick them up.
10:15-11:30 p.m. High on philanthropic juju, cruises over to Perkins for a celebratory Caesar salad (hold the lettuce, extra croutons).
11:35 p.m. Exhausted from a hard day's work, steers the Bling Mobile onto the interstate and heads home for some much needed Z's. Tomorrow is another action-packed day, beginning when Nelly must decide which Cardinals jersey to wear: Pujols or Sanders? Stay tuned.