Jason Spinelli (bassist, Mass Street Murder)
-- Mass Street Murder is poisoned with dioxin, wins the Ukraine presidency.
-- Vegans discover that tofu is actually meat. Mass suicides ensue. Carnivores build a giant grill to set over Arrowhead Stadium and celebrate with a grand barbecue.
-- Scholars discover that anal fisting is actually condoned and encouraged in the Bible.
-- Canada gets sick of America's shit and invades. Bryan Adams is made dictator for life of the new United Canadian Empire. "Cuts Like a Knife" becomes the new national anthem.
Chuck Whittington (multi-instrumentalist, Namelessnumberheadman)
-- The New Amsterdams tour Europe, decide to move to Amsterdam.
-- New Times is bought by New New Times and changes the name of the Pitch back to Pitch Weekly.
-- The Flaming Lips do not finish their Christmas on Mars project.
-- Celebrity crossovers: Scarlett Johansson releases an autoharp-laden folk-pop album. Norah Jones stars in an ABC sitcom called Don't Know Why. Jude Law releases a unisex cologne called "unLawful."
Mercury Mad (singer, Vibralux)
-- Inspired by the Iraq war, a fully symmetrical "helmet" is the next ironic hair style. Bumper stickers that read "God Bless the Get Up Kids: They're Darn Tootin" will replace brown stripes.
-- Household bleach is found to cure AIDS. Bleach is banned in Missouri and Kansas.
-- Truth is compressed into bumper stickers. The most popular: "My Wrestler Son Will Kick Your Honor Student's Ass" and "God Bless the Get Up Kids: They're Darn Tootin!"
Krystle Warren (singer-songwriter).
-- The world will end as we know it. I'm serious. The shit's about to hit the fan.
-- I'll end up in another serious commitment. I can smell it. It smells like boo boo.
-- After my breakup, I'll begin a long, torrid affair with my therapist.
-- Kansas City will support its artists or lose them to the coasts.
Astoroth Occultus (head demon, Descension)
-- [Rock promoter] Jim Kilroy branches out with "Jim Kilroy Presents: Phantom of the Opera."
-- Nathan Dinsdale actually makes it to a Descension show, where he is showered in blood, forced to fondle a nekkid [sic] nun's breasts and converted into a demon. (Editor's note: I'm there.)
-- Loey Lockerby -- film reviewer of The Kansas City Star -- continues to suck ass. I mean, the woman hated Bubba Ho Tep. She can rot.
-- The four remaining live music venues lose their balls and give in to the DJ thing. We're forced to play in the street for quarters.
John Bersuch (multi-instrumentalist, Minds Under Cover, and magazine editor, Dandercroft Magazine)
-- A new rapper named Tech 8 launches a full-scale assault on the hip-hop industry.
-- Dandercroft Magazine becomes an upbeat religious publication for West Bottom prostitutes, alcoholic sperm donors and tree-trimming extroverts with a pale view of the distant future.
-- Soup spoons are declared too small. The government passes out bigger spoons to every family.
-- N.W.A. reunites and records "Just Don't Bite It, Part 3" (one can only pray).
-- U2 builds its own city on the moon, releases an album called Our City of Beauty and Anal Sex.
Dave Johnson (songwriter, Everybody's X)
-- Club Wars takes on a whole new meaning when 47 disillusioned bands attack Kilroy with sticks.
-- Goth kids from Blue Springs infiltrate the intelligence community.
-- Ashcroft comes out.
-- With no more live music venues in Independence, police solve the meth problem.
-- Raytown is still made fun of on a national level.
-- "Phonies" coin a new term of affection, the "PKFs" (Portly Kiss Fans), Pitch editor still doesn't get it. (Editor's note: Does too.)
Jonathan Ramsey (singer-songwriter)
-- National attention focuses on Kansas City's music scene. Coffee-table books and compilation CDs abound. Resurgence is led by fledgling supergroup the Cabinetmen, fronted by John Ashcroft with newly resigned Donald Rumsfeld on keys for the summer Ozzfest tour.
-- Tech N9ne joins the Elders on Irish tour. Jonathan Ramsey helps out on mandolin and turntables.
-- The Kansas City Roller Warriors League is the catalyst for a new 20,000-seat downtown arena project.
-- Sprint-Nextel campus buildings, suffering from disuse, become popular rave venues.
Local hip-hop acts form like Vultron for the Minor Mix-Up showcase on January 8 at El Torreon.
Ballot casters unite for the Heavy Frequency local music awards until January 21 at www.heavyfrequency.com.
Advance warning: The Golden Republic is set to release self-titled Astralwerks debut on February 1.