A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men will go down on their ladies. I don't believe that. Can you "spread" some light on the subject? El Gabacho Guapo
Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend's argument by referring her to the seminal The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world's sex habits gathered into one grande book. Its Mexico section cites two surveys from the early 1990s that found about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women more than twice the amount that your friend laid out. The Mexican hombre's taste for cunnilingus grows once he hops over to the United States: A 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at least once. But that amount is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted to doing the deed. The Mexican holds various theories about why his swarthy hermanos aren't as prone to panocha pecking as gabacho: that traditional Mexican men don't bother with cunnilingus because it doesn't lead to procreation, that Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue to lick their hoo-haa, that Mexico's endemic machismo produces a culture where vagina dentata is as feared as la migra. But forget explanations. The paucity of Mexican men who munch muff is an urgent social ill, and I urge all mujeres to remedy the problem by nabbing a Mexican and taking an orgasm in the name of la raza.
What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America, like a lot of people predict? El Mex de Durango
Dear El Mex:
That's the 64,000-peso question, Mex. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim that Mexicans will assimilate into this country's fabric, just as previous immigrant groups did. I'm among the latter, and I propose that we'll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We'll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try take over Mexico and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then we'll become too complacent and fat, and gabachos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and gabacha/o-studies programs. Moral of the story? Protect your children's future, gabachos treat Mexicans well and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, they might just become Americans.
President George W. Bush wanted Guatemala to have the next two-year term on the U.N. Security Council. [Panama got the seat instead.] Your thoughts on this nomination and what the world might have expected had it happened would be appreciated. Gabacho in Pittsburgh, PA
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It's long past time to end this injustice against the ladies.