Anyone who's been obsessed with sex for as long as Missouri state Sen. Matt Bartle has must be into some freaky shit.
Earlier this month, the Missouri Legislature finally passed the Lee's Summit Republican's anti-strip-club bill. It was the last, desperate gasp of a man haunted by mammaries. Bartle has been trying to regulate Missouri's adult industry since 2005. You have to wonder what goes on in a man's mind when he wants his name to be synonymous with ruining small businesses and interfering with individual freedoms. In his nightmares, is he watched by unblinking pink areolae? Does he keep a ball-peen hammer in his car's glove compartment to punish unbidden lust? Will becoming the face of the anti-nudity brigade help him mask some even darker desire, diverting suspicion from himself?
We can't know a man's inner thoughts, so we're asking for your help. If you can prove that you've had a sexual encounter with Bartle, we'll give you four free tickets to the July 11 Sublime concert at City Market.
You might ask yourself: What kind of Matt Bartle sex story will win me concert tickets? Truth is the only criterion. Maybe his tortured past involves transient hookers. Perhaps there was a gay experiment one brave night in college. Hell, maybe it was only a furtive hand job in a parked car. The offer also extends to any strippers who may have performed a grind routine on Bartle at any time, whether at an innocent bachelor party or on a night when, on the long road home from Jefferson City, he was one of those guys who comes in wearing sweatpants.
There's good cause for our suspicion. Earlier this month, Christian-right leader and anti-gay activist George Rekers was caught with a male prostitute procured from rentboy.com. In March, it was revealed that the family-values-flogging Republican National Committee dropped almost $2,000 at a West Hollywood strip club known for its bondage-themed stage shows, in which men and women simulate sex while hanging in nets. Just last week, former U.S. Rep. Mark Souder, of Indiana, resigned after admitting an extramarital affair with a female staffer. It's a documented trend: The Republicans who crow loudest about family values tend to be the ones paying leather-clad midgets to dance on their throats.
But we're not just going to take your word for it. We're serious journalists, and we'll need proof. Obviously, not everyone is going to have DNA samples, so it'll do if you can, say, describe Bartle's penis in lurid detail, mimic his sex noises or show us his 'O' face. We'll be happy to protect your identity, provided you aren't living a double life as a moral crusader against boobies.
E-mail your tales of shared lust with Matt Bartle to tips@pitch.com. And remember, even if you don't like Sublime (the band has a new lead singer to replace the dead guy), the face value of all four tickets is roughly $150, so you can probably make some cash off the deal.
Hope to hear from you soon.
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Could these jackass politicians start going after big tobacco (600,000/yr dead), big pharma (over 50% of population on meds), big agriculture (from hundreds of strains of corn, we are down to 3 commonly distributed in American agriculture, amounting to a biogenetic vulnerability in the food chain) or any other legislation in the public interest instead of screwing the little guy??? Land of the free? My ass.
Could these jackass politicians start going after big tobacco (600,000/yr dead), big pharma (over 50% of population on meds), big agriculture (from hundreds of strains of corn, we are down to 3 commonly distributed in American agriculture, amounting to a biogenetic vulnerability in the food chain) or any other legislation in the public interest instead of screwing the little guy??? Land of the free? My ass.
This guy sounds like some rightwing prude and I oppose this stupid control freak style of censorship, it will do nothing but drive more people to the internet where it's not only not regulated but where more f'd up shit is, but will be another step towards controlling the internet through censorship.Also while I'm a long time reader of The Pitch and agree with most of what is reported, this is nothing but a juvenile attempt at smearing this mans name and will do nothing but steel his resolve and of those who support him and this legislation, this WILL backfire.
Are you shitting me?? Look at his picture. He was one of those guys in school everyone slapped in the nuts. I'll bet if he hasn't sucked a dick he has at least licked one for a little bit!! Somebody jump out of that closet and tell about how he you and him got drunk and passed out in bed together and when you woke up he had a facial but you couldn't remember what happened. Come on we all want to do torture this little prick for shutting down these small businesses. Who wouldn't want Sublime tickets! come on speak up!!
This guy sounds like some rightwing prude and I oppose this stupid control freak style of censorship, it will do nothing but drive more people to the internet where it's not only not regulated but where more f'd up shit is, but will be another step towards controlling the internet through censorship.Also while I'm a long time reader of The Pitch and agree with most of what is reported, this is nothing but a juvenile attempt at smearing this mans name and will do nothing but steel his resolve and of those who support him and this legislation, this WILL backfire.
Are you shitting me?? Look at his picture. He was one of those guys in school everyone slapped in the nuts. I'll bet if he hasn't sucked a dick he has at least licked one for a little bit!! Somebody jump out of that closet and tell about how he you and him got drunk and passed out in bed together and when you woke up he had a facial but you couldn't remember what happened. Come on we all want to do torture this little prick for shutting down these small businesses. Who wouldn't want Sublime tickets! come on speak up!!
It's wasteful legislation, it's controlling legislation, it's not freedom. What is the gain here? Repressed sexual tension can lead to worse acts than paying a willing woman to put her pussy on your face. They want to not have alcohol served at strip clubs, why not ban alcohol? Humans have sexual desires and this guy's morals are now the law. But I think that regualted prostitution should be legal also, so my opinion is pretty far away from this guy. Two big things here: 1. Don't legislate your morals 2. Seperate church and state
If you really think its excellent legislation you are missing the point. They are taking more and more of our rights away everyday. When will it stop? I don't frequent strip clubs either but why on earth would I make it that people who do enjoy going can't? I live in Lees Summit and wish we didn't have such a dumbass making our laws. Why not focus on something important?
It's wasteful legislation, it's controlling legislation, it's not freedom. What is the gain here? Repressed sexual tension can lead to worse acts than paying a willing woman to put her pussy on your face. They want to not have alcohol served at strip clubs, why not ban alcohol? Humans have sexual desires and this guy's morals are now the law. But I think that regualted prostitution should be legal also, so my opinion is pretty far away from this guy. Two big things here: 1. Don't legislate your morals 2. Seperate church and state
If you really think its excellent legislation you are missing the point. They are taking more and more of our rights away everyday. When will it stop? I don't frequent strip clubs either but why on earth would I make it that people who do enjoy going can't? I live in Lees Summit and wish we didn't have such a dumbass making our laws. Why not focus on something important?
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