Fred Phelps crawls into bed with Jerry Falwell and Osama bin Laden.

Kansas City Strip 

Fred Phelps crawls into bed with Jerry Falwell and Osama bin Laden.

Go figure: The Reverend Fred Phelps was nearly killed in a hate crime last week by a "patriotic terrorist." At least that's what the self-pitying wannabe martyr claims.

On Friday, as the nation observed a day of mourning for the deaths of thousands in New York, Washington, D.C., and Pennsylvania, Phelps took to the streets.

"The rod of God hath smitten fag America!" Phelps boasted. The driver of a pickup took issue -- and took aim at Phelps as his purported congregation (i.e., his family) picketed in downtown Topeka. The truck supposedly came within inches of Phelps, who later proclaimed that he was targeted because of his "religious belief."

Phelps had spewed vomit all week -- as had his fundamentalist colleagues.

Jerry Falwell blamed gays, lesbians, abortion clinics and civil libertarians for terrorism inflicted on the United States. "God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve," Falwell said.

"We have insulted God at the highest level of our government," said Pat Robertson from the amen corner.

Osama bin Laden declared that the destruction in America was "punishment from almighty Allah."

Phelps told the Pitch that God was "laughing and mocking" as thousands were crushed and burned at the World Trade Center and at the Pentagon. "He does that as a necessary adjunct to casting impenitent sinners into hell," Phelps explained. "Every last one of them was going straight to hell."

He promised to picket the East Coast funerals of attack victims, including Karleton Douglas Beye Fyfe -- described by his uncle, Kansas City Star columnist Bill Tammeus, as a "loving and cherished son, husband, father, cousin, brother, uncle, nephew and friend."

Fyfe and Tammeus are collateral victims of Phelps' holy war on gays and lesbians, whom he calls "infinitely more evil" than bin Laden. He warns that America can't defeat terrorism because Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has recruited too many "rump-rangers" into the Pentagon.

Obviously, we need to send a real man, such as Phelps, to Afghanistan. But Phelps should make sure to pack some Astroglide -- because when they meet in the desert, Osama bin Laden is sure to fall in love.

Oh, yeah -- there's a $10,000 reward on the head of the pickup driver. Report tips to Phelps at 785-273-0325.

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