You see, this cutlet talked with state Senator Kay O'Connor, and now the Strip has serious worries about the future of American civilization if the amendment doesn't pass by the end of the legislative session this week. But so far, O'Connor and her like-minded senate colleagues haven't mustered enough support for the proposed ban on gay nuptials. And that means, of course, that Kansas may soon go the way of Sodom and Gomorrah.
"Historically, any state or nation that gives into the lusty perversions of the homosexual lifestyle soon sees its own demise," O'Connor wrote in a recently leaked e-mail explaining her support for the proposed amendment, HCR 5033.
That sounded serious, so we wanted to ask the Olathe Republican -- best known for expressing her doubts a couple of years ago about the decision in 1920 to give U.S. women the right to vote -- to elaborate.
"I'm not making that up," she said from her Topeka office last week before the bill suffered its first defeat, a 16-17 vote, well short of the required two-thirds majority needed. "I heard and saw an overhead presentation about that five or six years ago. It was an author giving a presentation of his book." The book claimed, O'Connor said, that various nations had been doomed after they started turning queer.
"It wasn't Sodom and Gomorrah," she said. "It was others. I've made some inquiries. I'm trying to get ahold of the right person."
Unfortunately, O'Connor couldn't put her hands on that crucial evidence, which may have contributed to the amendment's initial stumble.
The Strip only hopes it reaches O'Connor with the information in time, but this porterhouse thinks it's figured out what book she was looking for: When Nations Die, by Dallas Baptist University professor Jim Nelson Black.
Or so says the Rev. Pat Bullock, a Wichita preacher who testified to the state senate on behalf of the amendment and endorsed O'Connor's dire warnings about our gay-obsessed pop culture.
"I got my degree in history. It is a historical fact that cannot be denied that this took place," Bullock says, referring to the collapse of the homo-loving civilizations -- particularly ancient Greece and ancient Rome -- described in Black's book. Tolerance for pornography and homosexuality, Bullock says, led to the demise of Athens and Rome just as surely as it will for the United States. "History shows that part of the home décor of the Greeks had pornographic pictures painted on the walls in murals," Bullock offers as an example. "Whenever a nation becomes totally corrupt morally, they become soft in their sense of character, and they capitulate to force." But Bullock isn't going to capitulate to anyone. "This is a hill to die on," he says. "I will help organize all across this state of Kansas to find those who oppose us and remove them."
By "remove," the good reverend explains, he simply means turning out pro-homo politicians. But there's no doubting the fiery conviction in the words of the clergyman, who is director of missions for the Heart of Kansas Southern Baptist Association.
O'Connor, meanwhile, explained that the real threat of homosexuality is the way it undercuts the family. "It is the loss of that strength that is the harm," she said. "Fathers should be in charge of final decisions."
The Strip shivered at the thought of emasculated Roman fathers being overrun by bands of Visigoths and Huns. Et tu, Kansas?
"The general notion that the Romans fell because of moral decline -- you still hear that a lot," says University of Kansas professor of ancient history Carolyn Nelson. "It's a popular notion, but not something you'd see in a scholarly treatment." Actually, Nelson points out, the notorious Roman orgies had become rare after the empire turned Christian in its later period. "[Famed 18th-century British historian of Rome Edward] Gibbon argues that Christianity was the problem," Nelson says. "But nobody accepts that, either."
"It was a combination of different factors," the professor continues. "Economic difficulties. Malaria. Lead poisoning. Soil exhaustion. Population decline. Inflation. In the late period, they had an awful lot of problems. Wars in the East and the West. There was a lot to cope with."
Still, this meat patty wondered if O'Connor was on to something. Surely civilization is suffering when Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is on the air four times a day. This riblet asked the senator what she thought of Carson and the rest of the boys.
"I do my best not to watch it. I do consider it to be pornography. I wish I didn't have to be subjected to that kind of perversion. It is perversion. It is pornographic."
Uh, the show's about shopping.
"Oh. Well, I don't really know the show. I don't think I've seen it."