One illegal alien says he’d rather stay illegal 

A Contented Illegal

Dear Mexican:

I'm an illegal alien. Got here on a tourist visa and stayed for a job. My gabacho employer knows about it and doesn't give a crap. I don't apologize about it — ever since I can remember, the U.S.A. has meddled around other countries' business like it owns the world. That, at least in my mind, gives me the right to be here and do a decent, reasonable man's labor with muchos huevos, labor that nobody else will do. I don't get in trouble, I work my culo off and I get good money for it.

I don't give a caca about amnesty or, as they like to call it these days, "a pathway to legal citizenship." With the status quo, I get to be here and have a good job without having to quit being a Mexican. I'm the same exact person I have been, only a few hundred miles north and with better life chances. Under the status quo, my employer gets great workmanship at a bargain price. Not saying it's right (or wrong), but it works well for me.

My question: What would you calculate to be the percentage of illegal Mexicans in the United States who actually want the whole enchilada of American goodness, with all its obligations, rights and privileges nowadays, when those privileges seem to be reduced to taking it in the ass from the American government in the name of some shady interest God knows where?

Some Chihuahuan

Dear Wab:

Heavy lies the sombrero, amigo. I'm glad you're enjoying life as an illegal, but few of your fellow undocumented do. What else explains the 2006 amnesty marches, the fear of escalating migra raids and the healthy market for fraudulent documents establishing some type of legal residency? Your question does brush up on an interesting, related phenomenon — the legal Mexicans who can become American citizens but don't. A March 2007 Pew Hispanic Center report revealed that only 35 percent of eligible Mexicans had naturalized their status in 2005, an improvement from 20 percent in 1995; compare that with the 77, 71 and 69 percent rates for legal immigrants from the Middle East, Asia and Europe or Canada, respectively, for 2005. Researcher Jeffrey S. Passel wrote that wabs notched the abysmally low rate because "so many have low education levels, high poverty and other characteristics that are associated with low citizenship levels." Wait a minute: I always hear anti-immigrant pendejos claim that legal immigrants are grateful Americans, whereas illegal immigrants are unworthy of citizenship. Yet this example shows that it's the illegals agitating to improve their citizenship status while the legals learn the American way and become complacent in their station. Know-nothings: Care to explain the difference?

Dear Mexican:

A Mexican-born colleague of ours recently became incensed about a staff party invitation that called for invitees to bring margaritas to our Mexican-themed potluck. He said Mexicans drink tequila instead of margaritas and don't eat chips, either. He was also upset about the adjective "Mexican" used with a lowercase m. Were we accurate, or is he being oversensitive?

Clueless in California

Dear Gabacho:

Tell the wab to shut up. So maybe Mexicans don't consume margaritas and tortilla chips as much as they do, say, pan dulce and huitlacoche — who cares? Both gabacho faves have their roots with Mexican entrepreneurs who took authentically Mexican products to create an Americanized hybrid — he should celebrate these feats instead of whining like Lou Dobbs. I'll fault your staff only for using the lowercase on "Mexican" — stylebooks require uppercase letters at the beginning of nationalities or movements, even when adjectivized (Americanized, for example) and lowercase for races or peoples (gabacho, negritos and pendejos).

Submit your questions at mexican@pitch.com.

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