One Moment of Your Time, Idiots!! 

I have been submitting my writing to The Kansas City Star for a long time now. But do you know what they do? They edit the hell out of you, those sons of bitches. Did you know you can say shitbag in the Pitch? That's why I am now writing in the Pitch.

Shitbag. You see? I said it.

Stan Glazer is the smartest person who has ever lived on this goddamned Earth. You think Jesus was smart? Stan Glazer has him beat and should be our next mayor. If you do not vote for Stan Glazer, you should be shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

A Stihl buzz saw will cut clean through a man's arm. I saw it happen once in '64. I wonder what happened to Butch after he lost that arm? If you don't believe it, buy yourself a Stihl buzz saw and go to work on someone you don't like. You can find good deals on Stihl buzz saws all this week.

If you think it's cold out now, you do not know anything. I once went into a walk-in freezer, and that was cold. I had to stand by the grill at Hereford House for an hour before I warmed up. So don't act like a little girl and tell me it's cold outside.

You should join the Shriners. We party like it's 1945. I once saw a fellow Shriner drink 14 cans of Bud Ice in half an hour. It took his wife two days to get the upchuck out of his fez. If you are not a Shriner, you are either a woman or there is something seriously wrong with you.

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