Please stop bleeding on the ER floor and go to a movie.

Pay for Pain 

Please stop bleeding on the ER floor and go to a movie.

Nothing says "I'm sorry I made you suffer" like a couple of free tickets to Pirates of the Caribbean. At least, that was the brilliant thinking of a marketing guru at Carondelet Health.

This month, the two Carondelet hospitals in the Kansas City area issued a guarantee: If an emergency room patient at St. Joseph or St. Mary's medical center isn't seen within 30 minutes of his or her check-in, the hospitals will pony up a pair of movie tickets. So instead of cursing hapless, overextended staff members as they grit their teeth through hours of blood loss in the ER lobby, the injured and infirm can rest easy, knowing they might see the new Die Hard flick for free.

Inspired by this novel marketing ploy, the advertising geniuses at the Department of Burnt Ends came up with a few cutting-edge ideas for similar compensation.

· If you have to wait more than 10 minutes on hold with a 911 operator, the Kansas City, Missouri, Police Department will send you a free DARE T-shirt. For those who don't make it, the shirt makes nice funeral swag.

· Wait more than 15 minutes for a "therapist" to begin a "massage session" at China Jade Lilly, and you'll receive a free happy ending or dinner for four at the Lilly Jade Chinese Buffet across the street.

· Five minutes standing in line to "weigh in" at any local Weight Watchers office and you'll get your choice of a box of Russell Stover chocolates or a gift certificate to Foo’s Fabulous Frozen Custard.

· If your H&R Block tax return gets audited, add up your income tax penalty with a free pocket calculator.

· If Anschutz Entertainment Group can't land a major-league sports tenant for the Sprint Center, every municipal taxpayer gets a free small beverage at Disney on Ice.

· When the Royals commit more than two errors per game, each ticket holder gets a Tom Emanski instructional video.

· If the Chiefs lose on opening day, you get free access to the NFL Network to watch Trent Green's Dolphins.

· For every dropped call on the Sprint network, you get an extension on your cellular contract.

· If you can't finish a Pitch cover story in 30 minutes, the next paper is free.

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