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WE WERE HOPING IT WOULD SHORTEN THE CEREMONY ...

Willie Fulgear, a Los Angeles salvage man, found 52 of the 55 missing Oscars while rummaging through a trash bin in the city's Koreatown section. The statuettes had been stolen from a shipping company in Bell, Calif., a week before the Academy Awards ceremony. Fulgear didn't immediately realize what valuable merchandise he had discovered, assuming it was just a few old Golden Globes that someone had thrown away. -- Jon Niccum


AND THERE WEREN'T ANY OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCES ...

A re-enactment of the 1993 siege in Waco, Texas, to determine whether FBI agents fired at Branch Davidians in its last hour left attorneys for both the government and the religious sect claiming that the results vindicated their causes. Even more confusing was that the North won the battle. -- Robert Bishop


HE LIKES THE AMERICAN PIE ...

Madonna is three months pregnant with her second child, her first by British film director Guy Ritchie. The star hopes this new pairing will give her child a legitimate reason for speaking with a British accent. -- Andrew Miller


BUT IN ORDER TO BE ACCURATE HE DOES NEED TO TOUCH THE CONTESTANTS ...

A blind Canadian man was chosen to judge the Miss Alberta and Miss Teen Alberta pageants. Harold Grace, who lost his vision 15 years ago, claims the pageant organizers were trying to "judge the contestants more on their personality, intelligence, and overall person." Grace says he was selected for the job based on his work as a screener for the new Fox special Who Wants to Marry an Ugly Millionaire? -- Jon Niccum


EVERY SPERM IS SACRED?

An Oklahoma district attorney's office has filed charges against an unknown man based on his DNA profile established from sperm samples taken during an unsolved 1996 rape-murder case. This new tactic has so far eliminated only one suspect: singer David Crosby. -- Jon Niccum


BUT THEY WERE READING IT FOR THE ARTICLES ...

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld a jail system's ban on prisoners' possessing sexually explicit materials that depict frontal nudity. This decision rejected an appeal by an inmate who wanted to subscribe to Playboy and who argued the ban violated his constitutional rights. Although many inmates protested the restrictions, which prohibit them from possessing even artwork and medical materials that contain frontal nudity, the group was grateful that, given the statutes of the ruling, they can renew their subscriptions to Assmaster and Butts Galore. -- Andrew Miller

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