The attorney general lusts for justice.

The Ashcroft Monologues 

The attorney general lusts for justice.

Over the decades, Minnie Lou's 65-year-old bare breast has appeared in scores of newspaper pictures when tittering photographers have sought to enliven dull head shots of Attorneys General Edwin Meese, Janet Reno and John Ashcroft.

Last week, though, Ashcroft's Justice Department employees in Washington, D.C., wrapped Minnie -- also known as Spirit of Justice -- in a big blue $8,000 fig leaf that also hides her male partner, Majesty of Justice, in the Robert F. Kennedy Building's Great Hall.

Obviously our devout former senator has been away from the Show-Me State too long.

Ashcroft is standing by his principles, even if it makes him resemble a distant cousin of the Buddha-blasting Mullah Omar. Had he no worries about the symbolism of hiding two statues of liberty while jailing hundreds of people without trial?

No matter, because according to his diary, which the Pitch has obtained, Minnie Lou has been a terrible tribulation for Ashcroft ever since he became attorney general.

March 18, 2001: Whoa, this new job makes me feel like I'm fourteen! During my swearing-in at the Great Hall, my little cowboy sat tall in the saddle, and gosh durn if I didn't have to anoint him with oil later. Promising to defend the Constitution was a terrible sin that filled me with lust.

May 23: Yowza, I sure had a declaration of independence in my trousers today during the Combined Federal Campaign ceremony! Maybe I'll cancel next year's charity drive if it's causing me to sin.

May 24: Help me, Lord! The wife was at the Great Hall today, but I think it was the Women's History Month ceremony that pumped up my minimus corpus. Women are such a trial.

June 6: Why in blue blazes would I get a sinful salami while honoring the inspector general? I hate oversight!

November 8: Please God, I'm fighting a war here! I've forsaken the Constitution, charity and women, and yet even today, while bragging about the new U.S.A. Patriot law in the Great Hall, I had a devilish development in my drawers.

November 20: Hallelujah! George Bush rented some nice blue curtains for the Great Hall today. He said I looked good in front of them during the building rededication ceremony. I did sin today, but not in that awful way. I merely lied by saying nice things about Bobby Kennedy.

Comments

Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

Latest in Kansas City Strip

  • Fake That Moneymaker

    C'mon, Sprint — don't you act like you afraida.
    • Jan 25, 2007
  • A Cold Day In ...

    Yep, sure was a lot of hockey talk in Kansas City last week.
    • Jan 18, 2007
  • Identification, Please

    The company that screens KCI passengers experiences some turbulence.
    • Jan 11, 2007
  • More »

Most Popular Stories

Facebook Activity

All contents ©2014 Kansas City Pitch LLC
All rights reserved. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of Kansas City Pitch LLC,
except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via email to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.

All contents © 2012 SouthComm, Inc. 210 12th Ave S. Ste. 100, Nashville, TN 37203. (615) 244-7989.
All rights reserved. No part of this service may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of SouthComm, Inc.
except that an individual may download and/or forward articles via email to a reasonable number of recipients for personal, non-commercial purposes.
Website powered by Foundation