Oprah: Ladies, ladies, please. Our guests today are columnists for The Kansas City Star. They are stars, people, stars! [Applause.] Let's welcome Jeneé Osterheldt, C.W. Gusewelle and — ladies! — Hearne Christopher Jr. [Muted applause.]
Christopher: Hello, Oprah. You look as lovely as a Jerry Mazer cheeseburger line.
Oprah: I have no idea what that means, but I like the way you think. [Crowd descends into catcalls.]
Christopher: Well, as Jerry Mazer himself says, I'd like a down payment on that.
Oprah: I still have no idea what you're saying. [Nervous laughter from crowd.] But, people, today I want to talk about that Don Imus. [Crowd boos.]
Jeneé: I have what you call "good hair."
Oprah: You go, girl.
Jeneé: Do you have any idea what it's like being a mixed-race girl with good hair? Do you, Oprah? I mean, do you have any idea what I'm saying here about myself?
Oprah: No. [Crowd does the wave.] What about you, old white man?
Gusewelle: It is springtime now, and it is now that my bird dog has chosen to sire a litter of puppies. Some are brown, some are chestnut, some are the color of marigolds. But with the same fervor, they all lick their own genitals.
Christopher: I once saw Jerry Mazer lick his own taint.
Jeneé: Can I talk about myself again, Oprah?
Oprah: I'll give a new Pontiac to anybody who can shut this bitch up.
Jeneé: Did you know I get a series of phone calls and e-mails every day debasing my sexuality?
Gusewelle: One day, it was the summertime, with a pair of mockingbirds nesting in a crook of my front porch, when a woman remarked that I looked like Clark Gable. This stands in contrast, like shadows on a light bulb, to how I look today, which is comparable to a cottontail that has fallen into a wood chipper.
Christopher: I once French-kissed a man just to see how he tasted. Can you guess who it was?
Oprah: If you say Jerry Mazer, I'm going to throw you in that old white man's wood chipper. You feel me? [Awkward cut to commercial as Oprah lunges forward.]
Whitlock on the big show: