Was it Jon Stewart? Ellen DeGeneres? David Hasselhoff? Bob Newhart?
No, tacohead, it was Adam Phillips, raconteur par-fuckin' excellence and drummer for Kansas City band the Architects. He relayed the faux proverb not once but three times — when he accepted awards for Best Live Act and Best Rock for the Architects, and again when he got up with his other band, the ska-reggae powerhouse the Sex Police, which claimed Best New Act.
If the words of Adam's wise man are true, then Kansas City had better ready itself for a year of balls-out hijinks and king-hell debauchery to rival the fall of Rome.
More specifically, if the wise man is right, awards show host Brodie Rush will stride into the spotlight in flashy boxer briefs, Captain Underpants-style, talk about his recent divorce, losing his job and having his band Be/Non's record shelved; air some other grievances; then declare himself King of Kansas City — every night of the year.
If the wise man's words are true, then Snuff Jizz, an unofficially named collaboration between Snuff Jazz and the Ssion, will blow everyone's minds with a few minutes of free jazz, then shift to a bumping set of disco pop led by Cody Critcheloe, backed up by an art-punk entourage of costumed dancers. Every night of the next 365.
MC Reach and DJ Ataxic will storm the PA with positive wordplay and chest-punching beats. And punk-rock ruffians Super Black Market will never leave home without a man in a Chewbacca suit and another man in body oil and bikini underwear, slinging cupfuls of glitter merrily upon the confused and shocked masses.
Every coming night, the Last of the V8s will play what could be their last show ever, and the Snuff Jizz entourage will storm the stage. A damn-fool kid will break a bottle and hand it to singer Ryan Mattes, who will rake it across his chest and inflict gashes in his forehead before taking off his belt and cinching it around his neck and opening his pants to halfway expose his junk in front of God and everybody. And all that in the course of only three songs.
Late Night Theatre veteran David Wayne Reed will entertain the audience with a clever monologue, punning the names on the awards ballot, while wild-child singer for the Beautiful Bodies, Alicia Solombrino, will attempt to upstage him by making out with Rush. (She will fail.) And Ida McBeth, stunning in a white evening gown, will bring a ray of class to every occasion by keeping her composure in the face of depravity and triumphantly proclaiming her love for Kansas City.
Yes, if the wise man's words are true, we're gonna have a wild year. Worlds will collide. At times, it will be frightening.
But the truth is, the awards only happen once a year, and whether the ceremony is a tame affair or a drunken frenzy, it's still a needed opportunity to celebrate the musicians who make Kansas City rock.
And the winners are ...
Best Male Vocalist: Brandon Phillips (the Architects); Best Female Vocalist: Kim Anderson (Flee the Seen); Best Blues/Soul: Ida McBeth; Best Jazz: the Grand Marquis; Best Country/Bluegrass: Split Lip Rayfield; Best Pop: It's Over; Best Latin: Son Venezuela; Best Punk: Flee the Seen; Best Avant/Experimental: Onemilliontinytinyjesuses; Best Hardcore/Metal: the Esoteric; Best Folk/Roots: In the Pines; Best DJ/Hip-Hop: DJ Sku; Best DJ/Dance: Nomathmatics; Best Live Act: the Architects; Best Hip-Hop: Mac Lethal; Best Rock: the Architects; Best New Act: the Sex Police. Top of the Pops Anything goes — and anything went — at the Pitch Music Awards ceremony.