[image-2]It came over the wires today that the Chiefs are sending Dante Hall to the STL Rams in exchange for a fifth-round pick in this weekend’s draft, to which I say, “Why are you trying to tear my baby boy away from me?!?”
Ladies, you can have the big and strapping Tony Gonzales. With all due respect, he just doesn’t do it for me like Dante does.
My love affair began with the X-factor began during those NFL ads a couple years ago that featured Hall running alongside another crush, and KC native, actor Don Cheadle.
At 5-foot-7, Dante’s all small and fast and adorable. And he’s so vulnerable out there on that special teams field, escaping the clutches of burly dudes out to hurt my little angel. He spoke to a maternal, nurturing side I didn’t even know I had.
My family has season tickets and every once in a while I get to go to the game. Between swallows of hot chocolate spiked with peppermint schnapps, I gushed about my darling angel baby Dante pretty much the whole time. Marriage plans were discussed and my spectating companion would humor me, but I don’t think he knew how serious I sort of was.
I’m not a football groupie. I’m not hot for just any return man. Hall’s replacement will do nothing for me (unless Don Cheadle’s looking to get into the game).
I really wanted to be your fake football wife, Dante. I wanted to hold you as you’d cry about how scared you were on that field, scrambling away from guys three times your size. I wanted to serve you X-Factor Gatorade-tinis. I wanted to give you post-game foot massages. And Herm and the gang have fucked it all up—‘cause I am not going to become a Rams fan.
Godspeed, my darling sweetie angel baby soldier boy. –Megan Metzger