SPOILER ALERT: According to Mark 3:29, “Whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin.” It’s the one "Calvin Pissing" window decal God won’t overlook.
At blasphemychallenge.com, the Rational Response Squad – which is kind of like the theological equivalent of the Committee to Fire Katie Horner – is offering a free copy of atheist documentary The God Who Wasn’t There to anyone willing to verbally denounce the Holy Spirit on video and upload it to YouTube.
In the edgy, denunciatory spirit of blaspheming the Holy Ghost, here is a Memorial Day Weekend guide composed as a list of other people I, Chris, deny for all eternity.
GET THEE BEHIND ME, SNOOP DOGG
Post-menopausal rapper-turned-film-entrepreneur Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror has cemented his career in straight-to-DVD movies. Fortunately, Bow Wow (Formerly Lil’ Bow Wow) proclaimed himself “the future” on Beware of Dog, in a song called “The Future.”
Have you ever seen me, I'm the future
I represent how it's gon’ be, I'm the future
Born in 1987, I'm the future
Party people get ready, it's the future
I dont know about y'all
But I know about me
And when I think about the future
I'm all you see
Cuz I am the future
Big Bow Wow will be performing in the future – specifically, later today – in the futuristically-named Starlight Theatre (6601 Swope Parkway, 816-363-7827).
BILL COSBY, I REBUKE THEE
I remember this one time Bill Cosby had a funny bit about chocolate cake and orange juice. I can’t remember how long ago that was, but according to some fourth-graders, someone's grandma laughed so hard that she "fell off her dinosaur."
Since then, the man’s gone crazy. But the foreshadowing came in 1971, when Cosby recorded an album called Bill Cosby Talks to Kids About Drugs (“ ... with the smoking and the poking and the shooting and the pushing and the Jell-O pudding”).
In the informal “rap sessions” I hold with schoolkids, I like to discuss the metabolic and neurological advantages conferred by ingestion of THC. But more important, they need to know that they can’t let a man hiding 30 pounds of flab under an ugly sweater do their thinking for them. I hope that one day, those same kids will look at me and say, in grateful tones, “You, all right? I learned it by watching you.”
Tonight's screening of The Big Lebowski at Screenland (1656 Washington, 816-421-9700) is a great After-School Special about the benefits of “keeping your mind limber.” Burn one on the way over; the show starts at 9:45 p.m.
ADORABLE KITTEN, BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME
The Great American Greyhound Futurity event at the Woodlands racetrack (9700 Leavenworth Road in Kansas City, Kansas, 913-299-9797) is an amazingly adorable opportunity to see the racing dogs of the future while they’re still tiny and cute. Trainers put the puppies through a series of cute-ass events such as the Futurity Final and consolation races. Admission is free, and there will apparently be gambling on the premises.
YENTL PUFFY STICKERS, I DENY THEE
Believe it or not, the crass commercialization of everything that’s good and pure didn’t start with the Snickers commercial starring Mr. T. Way back in the 1980s, millions of schoolkids were drawn in by the marketing phenomenon that was Barbra Streisand’s Yentl, buying posters and action figures and covering their Yentl Trapper Keepers with Yentl puffy stickers. This was, of course, the crass commercialization of Yeshiva schooling, which is not nearly as glamorous or cross-dressy as Barbra Streisand might lead you to believe.
Fortunately, we still have the Great American Barbeque to remind us that some things never change. Today through Sunday, the Woodlands hosts hot-air baloons, live music and big aluminum trays of steaming food.
Have a great holiday weekend – and don’t forget to renounce the Holy Spirit! -- Chris Packham