“Rape is terrible. Rape is awful.” That's from Kansas Senator and presidential hopeful Sam Brownback. He made that comment, according to this article in The Kansas City Star, while speaking at the National Catholic Men's Conference in South Carolina.
So now we know where he stands on that whole rape thing. You can almost picture one solitary tear rolling down his cheek, like a telegenically stoic Native American watching truck drivers hurl Hefty bags full of their soiled adult diapers into the breakdown lane.
Instead of concluding with “Period,” followed by “Thank you and good night,” thereby leaving the audience with the impression that maybe Brownback himself had an orange rape whistle on his key chain, he continued his thought to its logical conclusion: “Is [rape] made any better by killing an innocent child? Does it solve the problem for the woman that's been raped?”
Wow. Uh, I’d say no, “killing a child” doesn’t “make rape better.” As deal-sweeteners go, I think that’s a loser. And though the cartoon image of a fully formed toddler springing out of the womb of a rape victim pretty much speaks to the level of sex education in Kansas, it helps if you know who Brownback was speaking to. And the National Catholic Men's Conference is a group that really cares about rape. Y’know, in the same distant, hypothetical way that Madonna sometimes worries about unspayed Third World AIDS puppies. I mean, it’s not in their charter or anything. But it’s definitely something they’ve heard about.
Anyway, I read that and just shook my head in silent admiration. Here’s my analysis of this Brownbackian rhetorical technique:
1. Begin with a statement of conventional wisdom that everyone can agree with. [“Rape is bad.”]
2. Slip a roofie into its drink, and when it passes out, pose it on the couch next to a crazy-type statement. [“Killing babies does not make rape better.”]
3. Take a picture that proves that these two statements are a natural pair and they hang around together all the time.
Here are some examples of how a laughably optimistic presidential hopeful might deploy the rhetorical technique of the “Rohypnol Equivalence” for other interest groups:
The Minute Men
“Everyone agrees that the Apollo program was a triumph of American ingenuity. But if we allow illegal Mexicans to practice midwifery behind highway rest-stops, how will we ever return to the moon?”
Focus on the Family
“The sum of the degree measurements of two complimentary angles is 90 degrees. How many degrees of Satan is gay marriage?”
The National Rifle Association
“The equator is equidistant from the North Pole and the South Pole. But where will your rifle be when the abortionists outlaw the 4th Amendment?”
-- Chris Packham
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He was obviously talking about becoming pregnant after being rapped and how it won't be made any better by having an abortion. Nice twist of words to make someone look stupid but you dodged the point.
I disagree dot-dot-dot, because the butt-candle advocacy is so funny that it transcends any Troll-induced irritation. Plus, I would like to purchase, for Mrs. T.D. Gaines-Crockett, her choice of alcoholic beverage.
Email from my coworker, Nadia:
I found the following comment on this site: http://buttcandle.com/bboard/b...
Thursday, November 27, 2003 - 12:19:32 am:
Message from tdgainescrockett@yahoo.com:
I've been a regular user of Butt Candles candling for almost two years now and my posterior has never felt fresher! Having suffered from many ailments of the rectumI am thrilled to say that for the first time in many years I can ride a bike, do squats, play tennis, even bend down to pick up a dropped earing just like I did when I was a teenager. I feel 20 years younger! I even think my complexion has improved too! If anyone is hesitant about the healthful benefits from butt candling DON'T BE! grab a friend, a package of the candles, a nice glass of Chardonay and burn your way to a new and improved rectum! Sincerely, Mrs. T.D. Gaines-Crockett Freehold, Iowa
The problem with this, fictional or not, there is a large following of people in our area that will read crap like this, take it as Gospel and run with it.
Just so ya'll know, T.D. Gaines-Crockett is a fictional member of a fictional church that parodies the Baptists. That poster is a flame starter.
Ms. Gaines-Crockett:
I hope that it is Gods will that you and all of your kind are struck down where you stand. How dare you say that this is Gods will? He gave the rapist free will, not permission. Skewed views as yours do nothing but perpetuate hatred and turn people away from God, not towards Him. You are disgusting. I hope you enjoy your stay in Hell, bitch.
Ms. Gaines-Crockett:
That you or anybody else could possibly think God would be so cruel as to plan specifically for one of his most beautiful thinking, feeling creations to be raped as part of his "will," rather than that such a rape is simply the act of a deranged, violent man with no sense of other people's pain, is all the reason I need to continue working as hard as I can to ensure that other people do not succeed in pushing their religious agendas on the laws of this country. Thank you for reminding me why separation of church and state is so vital.
There is nothing worse than the murder of an innocent little baby. There are plenty of women who will cry "RAPE" just so they can justify slaughtering their own child. If it is an actual rape, however tragic that is, then it must be God's will. We are not to interfere with life what He has put into motion.
Shame on you for talking so badly about Sam Brownback.
Thank you, anonymous civics teacher. I also embarrassed myself once by misquoting the Articles of Confederation at a suburban swinger's party, and I totally did not get laid at all that night.
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