Ah, Alyssa Milano. I recently stumbled across you wrapped in your new “Touch” brand Royals baseball gear at mlb.com. You seemed to understand my belief that women at baseball games, especially those in snug home-team baseball T’s, are totally the hottest. That brought me back. You see, I’m shy to admit it, but I’ve had a crush on you since childhood. It started during those Who’s the Boss? years, back in the mid-´80s. As Sam Micelli, the daughter of a housekeeping hetero played by Tony Danza, you were the kind of girl that was, in parlance of the era, totally rad. You were still prepubescent, but that wouldn’t have stopped me from picking you first in for a pick-up game of -- you guessed it – stickball.
Is it going to far to say that I feel as though we matured together? You went though phases, of course. In the ´90s, you moved on to movie stardom and sexually liberated roles in Fear, Poison Ivy II and other sultry flicks. Later, you played a super hottie in those 1-800-COLLECT commercials. For the record, I liked those spots way better than the one’s with Mr. T.
It’s cool, Alyssa, we all do some things we regret. Like, I once went to Blonde, and not ironically. I’ve even watched your witch action show “Charmed” a few times on the CW Network. This is further evidence that, at pretty much any age interval, we totally should have dated.
This feels just like February 2004. Back then, you killed your girl-next-door image by selling yourself out in a Playboy pictorial. Consider this my notice. I’m over you, Alyssa. I like the new T-shirt. But, as February 2004 proved, there are flaws with the woman beneath it. – Ben Paynter