Glucose distributor IHOP Corp. announced the acquisition of Lenexa-based trans-fat giant Applebee’s International for $2.1 billion blah blah market cap business writing pie chart of my butt. If I'd ever given it any thought, I might have imagined IHOP headquarters as a brown one-story building staffed by ex-convicts and pregnant teenagers, but they're apparently a lot more like the Nakatomi Corporation with a fancy acquisition division, helicopter pads and an electromagnetically sealed vault full of bearer bonds. I mean, a $2.1 billion budget line item? Wow.
High gas prices and the collapsing housing market have driven middle-class consumers back to grocery stores and fast-food restaurants. According to Forbes, “In a bid to attract the upper class, which is less susceptible to economic downturns, both dining operators have raised their prices and changed their menus. The strategy seems to be paying off for IHOP.” Message received: “Let them eat grits.” Poor people go to Waffle House. I know I'm tired of all the fancy rich people at IHOP, flaunting their silken finery and eating pigs-in-a-blanket on bone china.
Many Applebee’s restaurants are built on high-value real estate, some of which IHOP hopes to sell to pay off acquisition debt. Awesome -- we need more Ruby Tuesdays. Because it’s not like they’re going to transform the discarded shells of old Applebee’s restaurants into something America really needs, which, thanks to IHOP and Applebee's, is Curves for Men. To the fascists who run Curves: Why is my Y chromosome a barrier to entry? Fred Astaire could do
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