A Message from Lord Magnus Tuareg, Time-Traveler from Next Week:
ATTENTION CITIZENS OF EARTH'S PAST! I am Lord Magnus Tuareg from the future date of Tuesday, August 21, 2007. I know my ways might seem strange to you, the people of Earth's very recent past, but I BRING YOU A MESSAGE FROM THE FUTURE: On Monday night's episode of Two And a Half Men, Judith’s wedding approaches and Alan prepares Jake for the event. Meanwhile, Charlie continues his romance with Myra (Judy Greer), Herb’s sister. I say to you: This episode is a repeat! AND IT IS NOT VERY FUNNY!
On the night you will know as Friday -- and which we, too, know as Friday -- the Central Branch of the Kansas City Public Library continues its OFF-THE-WALL FILM SERIES with an OUTDOOR SCREENING of the 1958 CLASSIC FILM, The Fly, starring Vincent Price. THIS SCREENING IS TOTALLY FREE! The library is located at 14 West 10th Street. I ADVISE YOU TO BE THERE BY 8:45 P.M.
Long will we, the people of the future, remember this past weekend and the BOXCAR MUSIC FESTIVAL that began on Friday. With the purchase of a three-day pass for $60, our people raised funds for the KKFI broadcast facility. MARK YOU WELL THE ADDRESS OF KNUCKLEHEADS SALOON: 2715 Rochester, 816-483-1456. Performers included Webb Wilder, Smokin' Joe Kubek, Wayne "The Train" Hancock, and Candye Kane, who were known in your day as Webb Wilder, Smokin' Joe Kubek, Wayne "The Train" Hancock, and Candye Kane. Our advanced people have deemed this music showcase to be COMPLETELY WICKED and have entered it in our annals of awesomeness. I ADVISE YOU TO ATTEND!
People of last week, know that we have WALKED IN THE SHOES OF OUR FATHERS! I don't mean literally, the way little kids clomp around in dad's oversize shoes. That would be TOTALLY GAY. We are wise and kick-ass, and our ways are approximately five days beyond yours. KNOW THIS: Bioshock for the XBox 360 was released on the futuristic date of AUGUST 21, 2007, and it is the wet dream cream machine that our prophets and Kotaku.com have foretold. Know also: I HAVE BECOME TOTALLY SIDETRACKED.
I shall begin anew, by reiterating that we have walked in the shoes of our fathers, which is a metaphor meaning that we have studied your ways by attending the MISSOURI STATE FAIR. We have consumed corn dogs in UNCOUNTABLE NUMBERS! We have learned the primitive joys of the tilt-a-whirl! Long will we remember the thrilling edutainment of the livestock pavilion. KNOW THIS: The Missouri State Fairgrounds are located at 2503 West 16th Street in Sedalia, Missouri! And you only have until Sunday to attend! Still, it is with a heavy heart that I report my LOSS OF A FLIP-FLOP while RIDING THE FERRIS WHEEL, as I was TOTALLY TAKING A PICTURE DOWN THIS ONE CHICK'S SHIRT. Truly, a day of mixed blessings.
Finally, A WARNING FOR THE PEOPLE OF THE PAST: Though I cannot remember the winning numbers from Saturday Night's PowerBall, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you DO NOT PLAY THE FOLLOWING SEQUENCE: 45, 15, 12, 52, 37, P-8. I pray that you will learn from my mistake, oh ancient ones, for I PURCHASED A TICKET WITH THESE NUMBERS, and now my dollar is lost to me forever.
-- Chris Packham
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