O PEOPLE OF LAST WEEK! I am Lord Magnus Tuareg, and I bring you a message from the future date of Monday, September 17, 2007. Heed what I say, my ancestors, for the coming weekend is SO CRAZY SICK YOU ARE TOTALLY GOING TO WIG OUT.
And yet I am unable to rejoice – for me, Saturday shall be a day of woe.
And yet my sadness is tempered by the knowledge that we shall clasp hands in the spooky spirit of Halloweenship at the BEAST HAUNTED HOUSE at 1401 WEST 13th STREET. Ah! The sounds of screaming amidst a theatrical ambience of death and violence! Truly, they are like the first robin of spring, only they come in the autumn. Was it not your ancient troubador Billy Joel who said:
“Relentless lust
Of rotting flesh
To thrash the tomb she lies
Heathen whore
Of Satan's wrath
I spit at your demise!”
That was not Billy Joel. I AM TOTALLY YANKING YOUR CHAIN! That is “Necrophiliac” by Slayer. Lo! How my little brother loves Billy Joel! Perhaps by ninth grade, Derek will EMBRACE AWESOMENESS and stop ACTING LIKE SUCH A LITTLE HOMO. Though I fear his affinities for Kelly Clarkson’s music and Zach Braff’s Garden State are poor augurs, indeed.
Also, the Beast will be open 8 p.m. to midnight Friday and Saturday.
Though Saturday night will be fraught with anguish untold, I cannot but think warmly of the 26th Annual Pig Pickin' Chicken Lickin' Feast at the Bingham Waggoner Estate at 313 West Pacific in Independence. O! How we shall feast upon the roasted pork!
And though the evening holds in store a quilt show and a silent benefit auction, I say to you: NOBODY CARES ABOUT THAT CRAP EXCEPT YOUR GRANDMA. For me, the greatest pleasure is a paper plate piled high with pork and au gratin potatoes! TICKETS COST $12!
But know this: On the way, you must stop off at Kerns Liquor Store (9013 East U.S. Highway 40) to purchase a fifth of Hennessy for surreptitious consumption. For, despite its magnificence, the 26th Annual Pig Pickin' Chicken Lickin' Feast is TOTALLY FRICKIN’ DRY, o ancient ones.
ALAS! It is with a heavy heart that I tell you I shall miss the Free State FreeCon Comic Book and Toy Convention at the Douglas County Fairgrounds (2110 Harper Street, Lawrence). For I am destined on Saturday night to attempt a neutral drop maneuver in my Oldsmobile Eighty Eight and TOTALLY BLOW OUT MY TRANSMISSION. Would that I were not destined to relive it, but I CANNOT CHANGE THE FUTURE. Lamentably, my compatriot Jordan and his dumb, loud girlfriend will challenge me to attempt this inappropriate deployment of gears, and I will be honor-bound to accept this challenge. I WILL BE ONLY SLIGHTLY BUZZED AT THE TIME.
Though we, the people of next week, are advanced in ways you cannot fathom, I will impart to you a final secret, that you may know what your future holds: Monday’s Season 2 opener of Heroes reveals the fates of Peter and Matt after their face-off with Sylar! Hiro meets his idol in medieval Japan! And the Bennets strive for normalcy in California! Do you remember how glacially the first half of Season 1 unfolded? THIS IS TOTALLY LIKE THAT!
Until we meet again, I say to you: peace out. -- Chris Packham
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