Before I begin, I, Valerie Plame, want to inform the people that this investigative report was intended to be available to the public the day after the incident on which I am about to report. However, it was deemed necessary by Dick [CENSORED] [CENSORED] and Donald [CENSORED] that they review said report for any and all content containing [CENSORED] W. [CENSORED]. Subsequently, the release date was pushed back by a day.
It came to my attention in the summer of 2007 that a group of comrades in Kansas City had devised a plan to re-create scenes from the movie Beerfest at Waldo Pizza’s new [CENSORED] Taproom (where my ghost writer, Lorna Perry, moonlights). Specifically, they wanted to mimic the part where teams of five drink an inconceivable amount of rich, creamy Warsteiner as fast as possible. From a glass boot that holds two liters of beer. Understandably, I had my doubts that such a plan could be achieved. Kansas City is not Hollywood, nor is it a secret German drinking club.
A private party, I blended into the crowd effortlessly at the first (and possibly last) Halloween Das Boot competition at the Taproom in beautiful Waldo-Astoria. Five teams of five participants, with at least one woman on each team, had to begin by having four members each drink two pints of Warsteiner Oktoberfest. The last member was then required to drink the entire two-liter boot. Scanning the room for both team members and evidence of yellowcake uranium, I quickly set my sights on “Team Storm,” an aunt-uncle-daughter family who’s “boot drinker” was built like a tank and possessed a neck circumference of 18 inches. The first member of Team Storm finished her two pints in under a minute. The remaining team members all grappled well their brew, although it became apparent that chugging cold beer rapidly brings on an affliction that can only be called “brainfreeze.”
Finally came Chris Storm, aka “The Neck.” Seizing the boot with his ham-sized fists, he proceeded to quaff a full quarter of the boot. Finally coming up for air, he attempted again and again to burp, even pumping his arms vertically above his head, in an effort to release air. The room filled with a quiet tension. This was not a good sign. If The Neck can be stopped, what hope could the other boot drinkers possibly have? Fortunately, his team members realized what he was attempting and began beating on his back as though he were a gigantic baby.
Rewarded for his efforts with a belch, he dived back in, finishing the entire boot in two minutes, 15 seconds. The time for the team was four minutes, 18 seconds, with the Neck clocking in at two minutes and 15 seconds on the boot.
The challenge was on. The next team, “McWop and the Token Black Guy” consisted of a tattooed man-boy and a gunshot victim, among others. (Reminder to [CENSORED], it’s Halloween). The first four made decent time with their pints, but things stalled a bit with the dashing boot drinker, who’s stomach refused to exceed its limits. Their time was five minutes, 15 seconds. Team Storm remained safely in first.
The next team up seemed the most organized, as they had matching green T-shirts with their name “Knuckle Sandwich” printed on the back. Their first drinker, a [CENSORED] cowgirl, had no problem putting away her pints. But it was the next three team members who should be up for medical observation. The second drinker put away his pints in 20 seconds. The third drinker, a soldier, drank his in under 20 seconds, and the fourth drinker, a slight-built Italian-Russian, unhinged his jaws like a snake and poured beer down his gullet in around 15 seconds. It was as though he was pouring the contents of one bucket directly into another.
Team Knuckle Sandwich took the lead as their boot drinker began the pour. Unfortunately, his stomach also refused to cooperate, and he had to take several breaks between drinks while clutching his stomach. Team Knuckle Sandwich clocked in at five minutes, 58 seconds.
Team Awesome followed. They were off to a slower start, but they made up time when Waldo from “Where’s Waldo” executed his drinking duty flawlessly in 35 seconds. Their zombie boot drinker then began his descent into the boot. Unfortunately, halfway through he was defeated by Das Boot. He literally threw in a towel, in addition to nearly throwing [CENSORED].
It came down to the last team, Team Cirrhosis. The first four drank fairly well, and then it was time for Das Boot. Their boot drinker proceeded to clock in with the next-best boot time, at just under three minutes. What was also remarkable was that his stomach is clearly flat when he began, but it became noticeably distended by the time he finished (see below, distended, belly in photo).
Also impressive is that the Neck enjoyed another beer FOLLOWING his impressive boot chug.
The results are as follows: Team Storm, first and winner of the largest trophy. Followed by McWop and the Token Black Man, Team Cirrocis, and the Knuckle Sandwich. Team Awesome was disqualified because the zombie threw in the towel.
My professional assessment at this time is this: the night belonged to the Neck, do not try this at home, and it’s a lot harder than it looks. – Lorna Perry
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These picures are great! Thanks to this post, I just purchased my own Das Boot beer boot for a Beerfest style comp. this new years eve. I am pretty sure my team will win!
Team "Knuckle Sandwich" would like to go on the record and officially congratulate TeamStorm for their impressive performance in the competition. Also, we recognize McWop and the Token Black Man as the close second place finishers. Thanks for a great time guys.
Check out Team Storm in action... a video the night of Das Boot Chug!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...
i am so proud to say that "the neck" is my cousin. congrats to all teamstorm. way to go.
Ah, it brings back memories of the university Drinking Horn competitions in New Zealand back in the day. The style of the Italian-Russian of Team Knuckle Sandwich is that of the experienced New Zealand beer drinker in those long-ago days of the '60s: head back and POUR; don't swallow. My stomach churns and my head aches at the memory.
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