By CHARLES FERRUZZA
The holidays can be stressful enough without having to think of what to buy Aunt Millie for Christmas (she didn’t seem to care for the inflatable “hemorrhoid relief” pillow that you so thoughtfully purchased for her last year) or what to do if Cousin Marvin’s name comes up in the family gift exchange again this year – what does one give a registered sex offender?
Or let’s say the lovable “Tiny Tim” in your family insists on getting on of those “Gel Ant Farm” kits with the LED lighting this year, but you’re not sure it’s appropriate since his mother has a serious phobia about bugs. Or what about the “white elephant gift exchange” scheduled for this year’s office party? You don’t want to make the same disastrous mistake from last year, cleverly re-wrapping a fruitcake that certainly seemed fresh enough – who knew that it was stamped with a 1998 expiration date?
Have no fear, the very first Pitch Holiday Help Desk Department is here! After interviewing over a dozen candidates for the temporary position of overseeing the Pitch Holiday Help Desk Department – the job qualifications included a sense of taste, style, and a zeal for seeking out the very best in literature, fine arts, antiques, fine cuisine, classic cinema and precious stones – we settled on the top two candidates to work as a team. The first is Edward Barrington Collier II, yachtsman, philanthropist, award-winning playwright and author of The Finest Things in Life from Apricots to Zebra Skins. And Christopher “Topper” Tattinger is a local bon vivant and veteran party-giver. Both of these well-bred gentlemen, pictured above, will be happy to provide gift ideas to those who leave questions and comments accompanying this particular Plog.
Mr. Collier’s top three holiday gift ideas for Christmas 2007 include the festive Turd Twister, which creates exciting art forms out of pliable body waste. “It’s a divine stocking stuffer!” Collier said. His other choices include a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer tied with a shiny satin ribbon and several rolls of Charmin bath tissue decorated to look like a jolly snowman.
“Topper” Tattinger, who is still waiting to see if his application to the Kansas City Country Club was accepted, believes in stunning simplicity when it comes to the perfect holiday gift. “I’m happy with a carton of cigs, a bottle of Scotch and a gift certificate to Erotic City,” he said. “But if I’m giving a gift, I try to add a little extra something extra to set it apart from other gifts.” For example, Mr. Tattinger has been known to give his special friends decorative pill containers that he’s artfully crafted from crushed soda cans, twine and walnut shells. “And I always try to put a pill or two in the boxes,” Tattinger said. “It might be a laxative, it might be a Zoloft. Guessing what it is will be half the fun!”
These merry gentlemen look forward to answering all your holiday gift giving questions! “I may need to sober up a little to think straight,” added Mr. Collier, “but I’m chock full of ideas!”
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Dear edward and topper,
so my boyfriend and i have been together for like 2 and half months and christmas is around the corner.and he's a farmer and i don't know what to get him.he has told me he wants a checkbook/wallet thing..but idk where to find one of those..i need ideas..really good ideas.
Dear edward and topper,
so my boyfriend and i have been together for like 2 and half months and christmas is around the corner.and he's a farmer and i don't know what to get him.he has told me he wants a checkbook/wallet thing..but idk where to find one of those..i need ideas..really good ideas.
Hey Big Momma -- that's what I use when I need to bleach my dirty ol' bum. And if you're interested in seeing more of me, I assure you that every part of me is clean as an old whistle. Well, almost all a me. I'm almost finished with the doxcycline, so you may not catch that nasty little bug that Myrtle Mae give to me last month. You can find me hustling cash at the Admiral exit off I-71 most every morning.
Dear Ed and Topper:
My best friend has requested an anal bleaching for a Christmas gift this year. I am not real sure where to get a gift certificate for that type of thing? Would it be all the same if I got him a bottle of Clorox and a wire bristled scrub brush?
Just curious.....Big Momma
Topper! You're supposed to be answering questions, not asking them. And the answer is no unless it's someone who really desires you and I can't imagine who that would be. I think, once again, that will be a gift you'll have to pay for.
I'm horny as hell. Can I ask pretty young things to give me sex as a Christmas gift?
--- Topper
I'm sure he'll quickly forget his runaway bride in prison when he gets his big, engorged intrusive "gift" from his cell-mate in the Big House. Poor Topper has never gotten over that holiday shocker back when he was tossed in the clink.
My neighbor was Kris Everson, the guy from Grain Valley, who claimed his wife had given birth to sextuplets. Turned out he lied. Anyway, he was just sentenced to three years in prison for a probation violation. His wife's taken off. Any gift ideas for a guy that obviously has everything?
In the spirit of Christmas joy and forgiveness, I'd give her at least a kiss-off gift. Perhaps something hand-made, like an easy-to-construct (with glue and pieces of felt) book cover that can be festively decorated with sequins, ribbons, metallic stars. And then I would slip that home-made book cover around a paperback copy of Jeffrey Nevid's non-fiction "Choices: Sex in the Days of STDs." It's a gift she'll cherish for years to come.
Dear Gentleman,
Thizs is really embarrassing, but should I still give my girlfriend Patti Jo a Christmas gift even after I found out that she gave me a really bad case of Pubic Lice (aka "crabs")? My Mom said I'd be crazy to spend a red cent on her. What do you think?
Hear, hear! We not only totally agree with you, lady fair, but wish to invite you to join us for a few cocktails this afternoon at the saloon of your choice. Topper says he'll even wear a shirt and shoes and I'll put in my teeth!
As an avid reader of The Pitch, both in print and online, I must express my distinct displeasure with this particular Plog entry. It's in the worst taste, extremely puerile, a mockery of the holiday season and an insult to the Kansas City Star, which really is providing a dignified service in helping people find proper Christmas gifts. I'm personally offended by this entry and demand that it be removed and replaced by something decent, preferably about organically-grown vegetables.
White trash? You must be getting us mixed up with some other nicotine-stained bar flies! And I'll have you know that while Topper has never personally been to Leawood, he once robbed someone from there (he still has the guy's wallet). And you might be surprised to know that Phill Kline is a lifelong friend of the Collier family and even attended the 90th birthday of Granny Collier, shortly after her release from the penitentary for bank fraud. She was framed!
Goodness gracious, you two are total Vulgarian slobs! Thank goodness there's no white trash morons like you living in lovely Leawood. I'm not writing with a question, but a comment. I'm buying a case of those Paul Morrison Mustache Rides T-shirts so I can give them out as gifts to all my friends who are infuriated that he was elected when a perfectly decent Christian like Phill Kline was cast aside by the voters like an old used condom.
You are so correct in wanting to share the spirit of the season with the columnists of the Kansas City Star, including the lively bunch at the FYI Department who are providing the same Gift Idea service that Topper and I are doing here at The Pitch. That Cindy Hoedel is just a whiz at coming up with clever suggestions for holiday gifts, although Topper and I have both noted that she hasn't come up with one single thing that WE might want (liquor, cigarettes, porno, internet sex dates). Still, we'd give her a Chia pet for her good works. Go Cindy! For Jenee, we'd wrap up one of those inflatable boyfriend dolls (with anatomically-correct features)since it's so darn unfair that she's still single! (Topper would offer himself as a date, but only after he finishes taking that round of doxycycline he needed after his last "date"). For Mike, Joe and Jason, we suggest either a gift-wrapped Turd Twister or the new boxed DVD set "The Best of Annette Haven." For Hearne? If he doesn't already have the Turd Twister, we think a Chris Stigall Bobble-Head Doll for his dashboard would be the answer!
Edward and Topper -
I'm just an average Kansas Citian who loves my daily paper, especially the columnists. They give so much of themselves every day, and I just feel so gosh darn guilty for not giving anything back. Could you give me some suggestions for Hearne, Jenee, Mike, Steve, Jason, Joe and the rest of the gang?
I'm pretty sure Hearne already has the Turd Twister, so that's out.
I'd go for the pearls, man. And a "Safe Sex" kit. And maybe a bottle of the new perfume by Britney Spears. He's your brother, damn it, so treat him right even if he is causing your family public humiliation and heartache.
Eddie and Top:
Just found out that my youngest brother is a professional female impersonator. I was going to get him a fishing rod for Xmas, but now I'm thinking it might be too masculine. Would a string of plastic pearls be a better gift?
Josiah! It's been ages since we both fell off bar stools at the old Hickory Lounge! Terribly sorry, old sport, about your Common Law Wife leaving you for your sibling. I think giving those two adulterous cheats a gift would, indeed, be a lesson in Christian charity. After a great deal of thought, I believe the best gift would be a vintage board game that your family can all play together during those tense moments when you have to gather together in one room. While shoplifting at a midtown thrift store, I noticed a nearly complete Husker Du game from the 1970s. It was very cheap and promised hours and hours of fun. Go get it!
Edward & Topper -
I have a problem. My woman done run off with my brother. We been goin together for bout 2 years then I come home from workin and she left me a note sayin she's off with Lewellyn. Now, I am a Christian and I believe in family, but I'm pissed. But I reckon the Christianly thing to do would be to getum a gift. Can you help me?
If you have $203,000 to just throw away, I suggest giving it to a legitimate charity, like the Edward Barrington Collier II Alcoholic Beverage and Cigarette Fund. In the case of Ms. Shields, I believe a Turd Twister is not only appropriate, but in perfectly good taste.
Dear Edward and Topper,
One of my very closest friends in Kansas City is the overweight, unhappy and forlorn former political bigwig Katheryn Shields. When I casually asked her what she might want for a Christmas gift (thinking it would be a box of Russell Stover Thin Mints or something modest like that), she brazenly suggested $203,000 to pay off her legal bills! I find that kind of excessive, don't you? I'm now wondering if I should give her anything! What do you think?
Dear Edward and Topper:
Is bringing a cheese ball to a Christmas party in good taste?
My dear young woman:
I also have friends who meet those similar qualifications in my wide circle of friends. In fact, just the other day, while sipping a frosty brew with a few of my gentlemen companions at Kate's Kozy Kabin, I noted that I had recently mailed my very dear old college chum Anthony Marshall, the son of the late millionaire philanthropist Brooke Astor, a holiday gift that swould add great joy and laughter to his miserable life: a Turd Twister. I suggest you do the same!
Dear Edward and Topper:
I have a friend who really is one of those people who has "everything." She's rich, beautiful, intelligent, owns a beautiful home on Ward Parkway, gives frequently to charity, travels extensively and has a sensational collection of art and rare books. I have, in the past, given her gift certificates for massages and facials, but this year I'd like to do something a bit more special. any ideas?
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