By CHRIS PACKHAM
Well met, O people of Earth’s past few days! It is I, Lord Magnus, time traveler from SEVERAL DAYS IN THE FUTURE! I greet you as a fellow traveler — OF TIME! Though you shall live to see the FUTURISTIC YEAR 2008, I say to you, the world is a very different place — far stranger than you could possibly know. The after-holiday sales during your prehistoric last-week era were UNBELIEVABLY AWESOME. I was able to acquire a FUTURISTIC PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY using a special fiduciary instrument that we of the future call a CHRISTMAS CHECK FROM MY NANA!
KNEEL BEFORE THE AWESOME MAJESTY OF MY NEW PLAYSTATION 2 HAMMER WIRELESS GUITAR CONTROLLER! Lo, the masses shall behold the power of my shredding and tremble! Unencumbered by the wired controllers of the ancients, I will become the master of Iron Maiden’s “The Number of the Beast” on the "Hard" difficulty setting — REAL SOON NOW!
To me, your era is three days in the past. But you have yet to experience the FINAL AWESOME WEEKEND OF 2007. How I envy you! Would that I were able to relive that glorious time! Friday night's monthly CRITICAL MASS pitted the ancient cyclists of last week against the terrible forces of nature! Specifically, the great storm that we of Earth's future remember as THAT SNOWSTORM THAT HAPPENED LAST THURSDAY NIGHT! Though my frame is unsuited to the physical demands of biking, I attended with MY FRIENDS TROY AND KYLE. We took my dad's old hip flask and filled it with plum schnapps Kyle stole from his grandma's house. WE GOT TOTALLY WASTED in the Sunfresh parking lot at 4001 Mill at the 6 p.m. launch and made it only about four blocks.
Saturday began an epic THREE-NIGHT SERIES of music performances by SPLIT LIP RAYFIELD. We, the people of my era, prefer the BUTT ROCK OF THE 1980s — but Split Lip Rayfield is an AWESOME BAND, and I resolved to see Saturday's magnificent ALL-AGES PERFORMANCE AT THE BOTTLENECK. Yea, though the band blazed that night with the fiery power of the ages, I DRANK WAY TOO MUCH PABST and THREW UP ON THIS DUDE FROM INDEPENDENCE. Woe betide he who soils the boots of CRAIG or crosses Craig's FRIENDS FROM TRUMAN HIGH. Following an exchange of DRUNKEN SHOVING, we were all EJECTED FROM THE SHOW. People of Earth's several days' past, I beseech you: In the scuffle, I shall totally DROP MY WALLET, which contains my FAKE I.D. Please, my ancestors, retrieve my velcro Korn wallet and return it to the address within — I am totally offering a $10 REWARD!
Without money, I was compelled Sunday to resort to playing FREE POOL AT OVERTIME at 9083 Metcalf in Overland Park — every week on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday, the tables are free ALL DAY. When finally I was asked to leave for failure to make a purchase, I went home and PLAYED GUITAR HERO. Would that I had not quit my job at Papa John's! Learn from my example, O my ancestors, and totally do not lose your cash and debit card in a drunken weekend shoving match.
Enjoy your last days of 2007, and I shall see you again — in the VERY NEAR FUTURE!