By CHRIS PACKHAM
• A group of five Kansas City residents filed an affidavit with the City Clerk, seeking a recall of Mayor Mark Funkhouser. The petitioners were listedas Saundra Ross, Joycetta Silvers, Moniece Lovelace, Dwight Ross and JoAnn Mitchell. Now these five people have a new hobby: Collecting 16,950 signatures, equal to 20 percent of the voters in the election last March, in order to force a recall election. That breaks out to about 3,390 signatures per Recall Funkhouser Ladies Club member.
Except, WHOOPS: Your recall affidavit is invalid: The group is going to have to refile. Only two of the five petitioners are registered to vote at the addresses listed with the affidavit.
According to a group of five Kansas City residents, Mayor Mark Funkhouser should be recalled because:
• He caused a "breach of public trust" by seeking to fire City Manager Wayne Cauthen
• He hasn't yet accounted for a missing $80,000 in campaign funds
• He has put the interests of his wife "above the interest of the electorate."
• The Eight Wonders of Kansas turn out to be grade school field-trip destinations. But in case you weren't aware, the Eisenhower Presidential Library and Museum in Abilene can actually be SEEN FROM SPACE! And it took an army of Egyptian laborers over 45 years to painstakingly quarry and transport the 2.5-ton blocks used to construct the Kansas Cosmosphere.
• Independence resident Sarah Everson faked the birth of sextuplets in order to con her neighbors into giving her cash and gifts; she's now been sentenced to four years in prison for violating her probation. But the whole upshot is that now I'm terrified because, like Everson, my dependents are imaginary. But only partly imaginary: I started claiming my fantasy football team as dependents on my taxes in 2006. Li'l quarterback Rich Gannon of the Kansas City Chris Packham Thunder Eagles just hit a growth spurt, and I'm not going to be able to buy him new shoulder pads or HGH injections without a fat rebate from the IRS.
• Barack Obama came to the area last night. The difference between people who turn out in bitterly cold weather for Hillary Clinton and people who turn out in bitterly cold weather for Barack Obama is that when the Hillary supporters do it, it's with the superior sense of dispatching a civic responsibility, and when the Obama supporters do it, they barely notice the weather. The 1,900 people who packed into the gym at Butler Community College constitute an impressive turnout, but the 400 people in overflow areas? In other buildings? That's in the ball park of getting up at four in the morning because you heard Gamestop was getting some Nintendo Wiis.
• Overland Park police are going to be watching for children not tightly secured in cars. I recommend a combination of bungee cords and a trucker's tie-down with nylon straps.
• I think it's clear that the current holder of best name in Kansas City: Conklin Fangman, owner of Conklin Fangman Motors. It is impossible for me to drive past Conklin Fangman Motors on Main without intoning the name "CONKLIN FANGMAN" in a stentorian, broadcast-quality basso profundo. The link goes to a stupid press release, but I'm including it because it reminded me of Conklin Fangman.