By CHRIS PACKHAM
• Here's a romantic Valentine's Day idea: The busybody Chastains should start having "couple date night" — I'm talking about a special night that does not involve poring over the minutes of City Council meetings or talking about urban transit proposals but instead is spent really looking past their bizarre fixations and the scent of Vicks Vap-o-Rub and recalling what originally kindled their romance: the receipt, disbursement and application of public funds, and licking whipped cream off each other. It's like the sensual comptrolling your parents enjoy around tax time each year. Ha ha, you're thinking about your parents having sex.
• The owner of fantastically huge celebrity Uno the beagle is from Columbia, Missouri. The two will apparently be returning to Missouri following a few victory rawhide chew toys after winning the Westminster Dog Show. When I was 3 years old and I was considering my future career, I sincerely wanted to be a dog. This is exactly what I had in mind, vocation-wise.
• What we've had in Overland Park all this time was only the Sprint operational headquarters. Now, Sprint-Nextel is moving its corporate headquarters to JoCo. Y'know, Lenny, in Johnson County, if you want a pair of pleated Dockers khakis, you just reach up and pluck it! It's the new Corporate Casual hub of the Heartland.
That reminds me — remember back in the '90s, when the media were trying to change the name of the Midwest to the Heartland? No? Well, that's because we won. Midwest 1, Katie Couric 0. But on this special, special day when we celebrate the Feast of Saint Valentine, the patron saint of sexxxy mix tapes and Chastain-on-Chastain speculative erotica, I think we do live in the "Heart"land.
• WHOOPS! Your grandma just sharted, right in the middle of the restaurant. Seriously, because how do you reach the age of 750 without learning that it isn't necessary to articulate every stray fart of a thought that passes through your superannuated old relic of a forebrain? Embarrassing! Nobel Laureate Doris Lessing: Please spend your energy on the obvious conscious effort required to keep your heart beating and less time weighing in on American politics with your offensive race-based assassination fantasies. This story made me so angry that I had to spend several minutes gazing at this photo of Uno the beagle in order to calm myself down:
• Best Craigslist ad ever. If the Missouri Legislature would approve legal recognition of gay partnerships, I would totally take this classified advertisement as my new gay husband.
• Via this guy, the explosive combination of fundamental Christianity and women in positions of authority exploded in the least likely place — the state of Kansas! Way to prop up a national stereotype, Kansas Christians! Here's another one: an Eskimo with a harpoon. St. Mary's Academy near Topeka says that referee Michelle Campbell can't officiate a boys' high school basketball game: "Campbell, as a woman, could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy's beliefs." I was going to compose an angry, dismissive rant with antireligious overtones as a response, but instead, I gazed deeply into these beautiful brown eyes:
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Your link made me got to WNB.tv. A couple minutes of browsing, and still I have to ask. What the hell are they doing over there?
14 Feb 08
And what kid of holiday is today, I ask you?
It's the kind where you remember good mounuts, that's the kind.
Goddamnn, I gotta tell you, that Doris was one fine piece of trim in her fucking day.
One time, this was at the Naropa Institute just outside of Boulder, Colorado, westerly toward the magnificent flatirons, I was doing a reading of Ancient Evenings, this must have been 1983, 1984, well Doris was in the audience, which surprised me because she always pretended to turn up her nose at my writing, but she was standing, no quivering backstage as I read passages of the aftermath of slaughter by the Hittites and the necrophilia and canabalism that followed, well I swear upon my oath that she was just wringing wet, so I rushed trhough the rest of my reading, stormed off-stage (to a standing O, thank you) and grabed her lustily, took her to the Dark Horse for an unnecseaasry drink and then bedded the wench like she had never been bedded.
Ahhhh, Doris...
She is still one smart broad, though, so if she thinks this Obama boy has a good chance of being assasinated someone ought to pay attention; just because you don't want to talk about somthin' doesn't make it untrue. Why, I remember the time I was speaking with Ted Kennedy, that fucking souse, and he...
Norman Mailer
Still Not Fuckin' Dead,
in Several Types of Hell
I hear that Doris Lessing was so excited that she sharted when she received her Nobel Prize. And her favorite song is from Michael Jackson's "Thriller" album, "Gotta Be Sharting Somethin' "
Dear Mr. Packham:
As a Nobel Prize-winning author (among the many, many other honors bestowed upon me), I just wanted to say this to you: I'd like to "shart" on your new sofa, you bratty little whippersnapper.
Sincerely
Doris
14 Feb 08
Dear Mr. Packed Ham,
We here at WNBTv would like to take a minute and acknowledge your acknowledgement of our acknowledgement of Sports Illustrated�s AP item concerning the alleged infringement of a certain party�s civil liberties vis a vis the mechanism of a youthful basketball game in the state of Moron, er, Kansas during the early part of February.
It is such fine acknowledgement that reinforces outstanding journalism and � more importantly, as many a blogger will point out � links.
Links, of course, are that basic tenet of the Inner Tubes, and they create chains. And chains create bonds. Bonds beget steroids, bondage, slavery, and America�s next big financial crisis. Oh, and advertising revenue.
True � WNBTv does not advertise. Nor, really, do we spend much time promoting ourselves. However, all the preceding is good for America and, thusly, WNBTv. Which is good for everyone.
Speaking of acknowledgement, we would like to take another of your minutes to clear up a misconception: it is station policy here at WNBTv to not acknowledge anyone other than our General Station Manager as 'the messiah', and then only behind his back lest his stigmata start to bleed.
However, the Editorial Board, having given the issue due consideration, arrived at the conclusion that WNBTv can and will support Barack Obama for Saint status.
Should the young gentleman from Illinois actually ascend to the White House, we would then feel it safe to confer Martyr status upon him.
After a suitable mourning period, of course.
The Editors,
WNBTv
Kansas City, Missouri
P.S. � that is the ugliest effin� mutt we have ever seen.
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