By CHRIS PACKHAM
• My dream job: I want to be the guy who comes up with all the new ideas at National Public Radio. Because I would never, ever have to produce any work whatsoever. When NPR fired Bob Edwards from Morning Edition a few years ago, that was like the biggest programming shakeup in 20 years. As a testament to the obstinate durability of the NPR programming schedule, their lineup of shows has now outlasted the Fidel Castro administration.
• Superdelegate Rep. Emanuel Cleaver will vote for Hillary Clinton at the Democratic convention, except WHOOPS, the popular vote in the 5th District was for Barack Obama. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that superdelegates will have to vote their conscience. In other fun undemocratic news, Hillary Clinton's campaign is testing a new strategy: Going after Obama's elected delegates. Although the campaign is now publicly denying it.
• As a lapsed Catholic, it's kind of sad for me to see the church in Kansas City laying off parishioners. Clean out your pew, and a priest will escort you off the premises.
• As an unpledged superdelegate representing the Chris Packham voting district of one guy, two enormous biceps and a giant, throbbing brain, I have to vote my conscience. So I'm throwing my support to Dale Hoinoski. The former Marine and Kansas City resident's Web site is a rich source of the kind of writing produced by an average guy trying to sound all fancy. Here's a section from a page outlining his position on abortion -- and just in case anyone glances at the following paragraph and, God forbid, mistakenly thinks I wrote it, I'm enclosing it in the oversized novelty quotation marks normally reserved for Carrot Top routines about punctuation:
IN ORDER TO discuss this subject regarding abortion, we now need to identify that it took two individuals; who decided to engage in and to have consensual intercourse. Furthermore, weather these two individuals are married or not, the man participation now needs to be the main topic of this discussion. His involvement has identified him as the father, and he now has a responsibility that will involve him for the next eighteen (18) years, of his life. He created his family and he now needs to be completely responsible for decisions.
Entire paragraph sic, and paid for by "The Committee to Elect Dale Hoinoski For President." The entire Web site is a precious, precious treasure that I'm going to keep in my hope chest at the foot of my canopy bed for ever and ever.
• One hundred forty-three million pounds of beef is a lot for a recall, and most of it has already been consumed. Area butchers respond. The good news: The misfolded protein that causes bovine spongiform encephalopathy has a really long incubation period -- up to four years. That's enough time to earn a diploma, or -- if you're like me -- a two-year HVAC degree! So if you've enjoyed a hamburger recently, you should start looking for the following symptoms, which I've superimposed onto a comforting photo of an adorable kitten, in early 2012.
• As a stipulation of my probation, I'm required to publicly evince sincerity on a regular basis. So when I say this 90-second screen test for Spike Jonze's Where the Wild Things Are fired a sad little spark in my tough old rawhide chew-toy of a heart, it's important to remember that I can literally get sent back to Leavenworth Penitentiary if I don't. The screenplay is by McSweeney's founder Dave Eggers, and the film looks awesome.
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Good article, thanks. Could you expand on the third section in additional detail please?
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Stand up Kansas City! Mr Cleaver has once again hurt your pocket book. August 1st his Aye vote closed the session and your ability to pay less at the pump. The simple irony is that the Democrats have made more money for the oil companies than the other side ever thought of making available. The bad thing is that with record profits for our small percentage of the world market, their tactics have placed billions of our wealth in the hands of folks who do not share our interests. Thanks Mr. Cleaver.
This week we find that the moons of Saturn have the hydrocarbons and the building blocks of oil. I believe that is a good thing. Because it may in fact mean that one does not need an atmosphere to develop living life for oil to be produced.(Thus our perspective of limited supply is incorrect.) Perhaps, we do not know how oil is created and while we run our world on this product... Our world is producing additional product to replace what we use. Something like a bone marrow producing blood cells in our bodies. It is a thought! After all some call the Earth a Heavenly Body. And it seems to have healed itself when previous insults have occurred by its surface dwellers.
So, when the House adjourns with out any attempt to increase supply for our National interest and no relief for the lowest on the income ladder. One should question the Democrats intentions. If they want to re-distribute wealth they need many clamoring to be bailed out. (They also may need some with wealth to take money from). The Dems need victims like bees need pollen. (Funny thing is that the hive survives and the Queen prospers even when the drones starve and die by the millions).So the game they play continues with you paying the cost every time. They need victims and when you side with their agenda your drone status does not change... Remember "only they" have great intentions and zero responsibility when things go badly. And if any one ever asks Mr. Cleaver why he votes with Nancy, I wonder his response. Because he is not voting in your best interest. (That would mean you get to keep what you earn and spend it as you wish rather than on gas or Light Rail, or increasing governments size to the point we all work for them)!
Hold Mr. Cleaver responsible for his vote to vacation rather than address our major man-made problem. Oil supply can be increased and you will benefit by that supply. Don't Leave it to Cleaver! He seems to want you to hurt every time you pull up at the pump!
Chris Knowlton
So, if fifteen years ago we could of had oil production in ANWR, would we have $4.00 gas today? Funny how actions have consequences. What is not funny is that all of us are paying dearly this unintended tax in every purchase. It is not just individual transportation choices, but through food, clothing and anything that is purchased.
I give the benefit of the doubt for unintended taxation because no one would restrict the economic engine of this country for political short term gain...
Consider additional delays on producing more of our own energy. Ten years to full production may not help us this fine spring day but it would send a message to the speculators in the market that the U.S.A. is once again engaged! This would have two affects; slightly lower prices at the pump and a increase in your mutual funds that invest your money in things that return good investments.
To deny Alaska the use of its natural resources hurts the entire population of that state. Alaska still shares the proceeds of those receipts with each citizen. Another plus is that the Caribou thrive near the pipeline that currently exists. The wolves thank us for this. To spell it out better, restricting hurts and production helps. Lets break the log jam and demand action that makes sense for Alaska and the lower 48!
Drill now, Refine here and get out of our back pockets!
Chris Knowlton
...so i'm loafin' thru Raytown, my jet black goat cruisin' micro-slow, glass packs burblin' low and mean, scarin' the fuckin' bejebus outta the the Ray South seniors hangin' outside of Bebo's, they won't dare look me in the eye...i'm lookin' for sumthin', ya know? maybe a runaway who will go, i mean go...but there ain't nuthin' here. jes' the same-o same-o.
i need to get back to mid-town where it's at least a minor challenge to rip me sum wi-fi, but Raytown is the last podunk lil' town left where I can get a cop to burn rubber with me, one who won't bust me just because his cruiser is so overloaded that my gto eats his lunch...well, maybe Grandview, but, fuck, they don't have a stretch of straight road over 100 yards long out there, so Raytown's it. don't cost shit: just show up after 1:00 am, 63rd and Raytown road, pull into Wendy's and wait...
it was while i was waiting that i hit a hot spot, turnin' the Dell laptop this way and that and, WHAM, unsecured 10 meg pipe! probably some jackoff artist living above the hardware store across the way. made me no never mind...let's cruise...
and i read this item in The Pitch, ya know? about a "true" warrior, this Dale Hoinoski. shit - can he fuck up a phrase or what? set me back on my heels it did. listen up:
"In order to discuss this subject regarding abortion, we now need to identify that it took two individuals; who decided to engage in and to have consensual intercourse."
like ...crap, i don't know, English was his third or fourth language, one he didn't give a shit about except to order a beer, or a pizza, or maybe an underage hooker. and the semicolon use? Dale just doesn't have a clue; he'll never write for The New Yorker.
in fact, i don't think Dale should ever write again, what with mangling that whole sentence - it doesn't parse worth a gawddamn. think maybe it's time to abort Dale...if I can find him.
hmm...some effete long haired motherfucker named Packed Ham wrote this. Find Packed Ham, i'll find Dale...
runnin' outta ether anyway; hi-ho, silver, awayyyyyy back to midtown - that's where all these writer types like to live. i'll start at the Writer's Place and slap some other effete stooge around until he gives me a name. then i'll slap that pansy around and he will give me another name. eventually, i'll find Packed Ham and then I'll find Dale...
Packed Ham, i'm comin' for you...
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The preceding was sponsored by the Nancy Davis Reagan (nee Anne Frances Robbins) Institute for Denial and Responsible Drug Use � This Is Your Brain on Drugs; Just Say No!
Thank you for the incredibly awesome Where the Wild Things Are clip. That coupled with the adorable new kitten poster for my cube wall has made my afternoon.
"The man participation now needs to be the main topic of this discussion."
That was my prom theme.
Before I write in "Dale Hoinoski" as my candidate for president, I'm gonna need to hear him recite all of John Goodman's lines from The Big Lebowski.
Thx.
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