BY CHRIS PACKHAM
Why does this sound so weird to me right now? A Chilhowee school teacher has been accused of "furnishing" porn to minors. "Furnishing."
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to photograph your balls, select an underage recipient from your phone book and hit "send." We've all done it. Because texting is instantaneous, it's just good protocol to hold any photographs of your balls for 24 hours before "furnishing" them. That will give you time to ask yourself: "What will the parents of the teenaged recipient of this photo of my balls think about it?"
But I'm still just, like, "Furnishing?"
We also have this sports complex, if you're interested! KC officials are considering furnishing the National Park Service with Liberty Memorial, in a bid to not pay for it anymore. NO NEED TO THANK US, National Park Service.
What's not being furnished. Attorneys for Edwin Hall, who's accused of killing Kelsey Smith, say Phill Kline's trying to keep all the good evidence to himself.
You can take that to the bank. The abortion bank. A JoCo grand jury has refused to "furnish" an indictment against Planned Parenthood. Abortion opponents had forced the court to convene via petition to investigate whether the Overland Park Planned Parenthood violated state abortion restrictions. Basically, opponents were challenging the professionalism with which abortions were administered. Planned Parenthood is expressing vindication, saying their abortions are 100 percent on-the-level.
But hold on to your medical records, ladies, because Cheryl Sullenger, spokeswoman with Operation Rescue, says "We've been considering a second grand jury effort... That's something that's on the table right now."
Speaking of petitions. And grand juries. And ethical lapses. About a year ago, The Pitch reported that BPU administrators were reimbursed for more than $15,000 worth of food and entertainment expenses. Including a $250 tab from the Cigar Box, which, if I am not mistaken, has a door that is actually a C.S. Lewis magical threshold to a room full of naked ladies.
Then Judge Kelly Moorhouse, a circuit court judge from QualStaff, "furnished" a restraining order on behalf of BPU barring The Pitch from publishing the story. Some fun ensued in the Missouri Court of Appeals, and Judge Patricia Breckenridge ruled in favor of The Pitch.
Now T.J. Reardon, a Kansas City, Kansas resident, has gathered enough petition signatures to force a grand jury investigation into BPU finances.
This won't be awkward at all. WHOOPS! A judge ruled that the city council can extend the City Manager's contract, contrary to the Mayor's assertion of unitary executive power.
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Wumble, thank you very much for completely taking all the wind out of my sails, because that is indisputably awesome.
Ayn Rand: 7th lvl Positivist, HD 6d8+15, AC 17, spd 30', THAC0 11, special abilities: infravision, cure moderate wounds *3 per day, heightened self interest, leadership of total nimrods +6, justifying classist/nativist ideas of exceptionalism. Always carries a staff.
Actually, H, Gary Gygax fits in around here just about as well as the admittedly self-indulgent and totally unfair Ayn Rand dig I made yesterday. If I could go back and do it all over again, I might consider saying that a half-elf ranger killed Gary Gygax with a Magic Missile spell.
The correct usage of the term "Cheryl Sullenger" is, "convicted felon and clinic arsonist Cheryl Sullenger." See, among other places, http://tinyurl.com/34zsp9
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