BY CHRIS PACKHAM
Very important man aspires to very important job: Giant, shambling Mayor Mark Funkhouser wants to be a superdelegate at the Democratic convention in August.
Your children may already be dead! The Kansas City, Missouri school district is closing three school cafeteria kitchens after a health inspection. If three area Quiznos restaurants were shut down on the same day, you'd probably never eat there again -- but you totally know you're going to send your kid back to school! Here are some other reasons to be completely blasé about the health and safety of your kids:
• Butler High School athletic director Mitch Warmbrodt was allegedly running a meth lab. After he was arrested for acquiring more than 9 grams of ephedrine, police reportedly found a concealed meth lab on his property. HAHA, your gym teacher has meth-mouth! Allegedly.
"Drop and give me theven thit-upth! You kidth quit thcrewing around! Theriothly! I want thix more lapth around the thchool!"
• Finally, are your kids receiving filthy text messages from their teachers? A teacher at Shawnee Mission North High School, who is on paid leave pending an investigation, has been accused by the parents of a 17-year-old girl of sending inappropriate text messages. Honestly -- do kids really need to go to school? In the apartment building I used to live in, there was a dirty-faced kid who would wander around the hallway in a diaper while holding an empty cereal bowl all day long. I like to think her parents were "protecting" her from day care. Anyway, the training manuals at fast-food restaurants consist of large pictures with no text whatsoever, and really, if the school cafeteria food doesn't kill your children, predatory meth-smoking teachers might be sending them dirty naked camera phone pictures. This has been a public service announcement from The Pitch.
Vote Hillary in 1958! The Clinton campaign is using some kind of "blackening" Photoshop filter, whereby images of Barack Obama in their attack ads are desaturated, darkened and then slightly widened along the X-axis to make Obama's nose wider. Or maybe they're not! According to the never-not-annoying Nicholas Kristof at the New York Times, the truth falls somewhere in the middle, which I can agree with if, once arriving at the "middle," you're greeted with a big sign that says "The Clinton Campaign Doctored Photos of Obama to Make Him Blacker." You can see for yourself:
It should go over really well for Clinton in the Appalachian states, no doubt about it. And racially coding your message is totally OK for the Clinton campaign, because according to Saturday Night Live -- which is suddenly all "political" after, like, seven fucking years of nothing but Tina Fey-written parodies of The View -- criticizing Hillary Clinton is sexist and wrong. Deploying similar tactics -- for instance, making Hillary Clinton look whiter by Photoshopping her into a Yes, Dear cast photo -- would be completely out of line.
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Just because someone "IS" a punk and idiot in elementary and high school and continues to "BE" a punk and idiot into adulthood could make one believe they are above the law because they are a teacher or coach. It is very noble of his "friend" to come to Mitch's defense acusing innocent people of kicking Mitch when he is down. Perhaps if his parents would have given him a kick in the pants years ago people wouldn't have the opportunity to "kick him when he's down now." I wonder if you have the same compassion for the police officers who suffer irreversable damage from meth lab exposure or the people affected by the meth business. I understand there are several officers in the same town as Mitch that busted a meth lab where children happened to be in the house (Nov 07). Feel free to research CNN on Bulter, Missouri and meth.Those officers put their own safety aside to protect the children and will feel the effects for the rest of their lives and their families will suffer right along with them. So to feel sorry for Mitch and his poor choices I don't. I do feel sorry for his wife and kids. And, as far as being a "punk and idiot" through childhood, teens, and adulthood....at 46 years old maybe it's time to stop blaming other people for being a "blankin' tool" (I use blankin' for the "f" word Mitch's friend is so fond of),closet republican or pedophile and take some responsibility for his own actions.
And while Mitch's friend feels that the situation is "amplified" because of his teaching profession....maybe his friend should examine how many schools Mitch attended and his poor behavior during those years...along with the schools he taught at that didn't report his unacceptable behavior...
Maybe his reputation was portrayed a little more squeaky clean "BECAUSE" he was teacher (and a little easier to fool people for a long time).
I hope Mitch gets the help he needs and begins to accept responsibility for his own actions.
Mitch's friend needs to be enlightened...
Mitch is not the victim here the victim is the community!
By the way ... what could the "friend" be smoking to leave the same post four times?
I know Mitch - He is a good guy - he just fukt up royally.. and with a teaching position - it is amplified. All of you passing judgement need to examine your own life. While what he was doing is horrible, he was NOT selling to the kids... and if you didn't like him in elementary school and you thought he was a punk and an idiot... it is probably because you were a fuckin' tool. It is very easy to kick a man while he is down.. but I have seen him do a ton of good for kids.. and I'm sure that is more than you ever did... except you are probably a closet republican/pedophile.
I know Mitch - He is a good guy - he just fukt up royally.. and with a teaching position - it is amplified. All of you passing judgement need to examine your own life. While what he was doing is horrible, he was NOT selling to the kids... and if you didn't like him in elementary school and you thought he was a punk and an idiot... it is probably because you were a fuckin' tool. It is very easy to kick a man while he is down.. but I have seen him do a ton of good for kids.. and I'm sure that is more than you ever did... except you are probably a closet republican/pedophile.
I know Mitch - He is a good guy - he just fukt up royally.. and with a teaching position - it is amplified. All of you passing judgement need to examine your own life. While what he was doing is horrible, he was NOT selling to the kids... and if you didn't like him in elementary school and you thought he was a punk and an idiot... it is probably because you were a fuckin' tool. It is very easy to kick a man while he is down.. but I have seen him do a ton of good for kids.. and I'm sure that is more than you ever did... except you are probably a closet republican/pedophile.
I know Mitch - He is a good guy - he just fukt up royally.. and with a teaching position - it is amplified. All of you passing judgement need to examine your own life. While what he was doing is horrible, he was NOT selling to the kids... and if you didn't like him in elementary school and you thought he was a punk and an idiot... it is probably because you were a fuckin' tool. It is very easy to kick a man while he is down.. but I have seen him do a ton of good for kids.. and I'm sure that is more than you ever did... except you are probably a closet republican/pedophile.
Mitch's dad was superintentent at Metz school (1977-78) and he never got into any trouble for his actions then. Family seemed to bounce from town to town spreading drugs like Johnny Appleseed.
He WAS a science teacher! In 1996 or 1997 he slept with one of the seniors. At the time he was teaching science and coaching girls basketball. He was asked to leave the district.
I went to elementary school with Mitch Warmbrodt. His dad was the school superintendent in Cainsville for a few years in the 70's. He was a punk and an idiot then, and, apparently, he still is. I could almost see this coming. Definitely saw the gym teacher part in the tea leaves.
As far as I can tell Funk would make a damned good Super Delegate: he's got fast hands, moves well to his left and seems to be nothing but a convulsive mass of slow-twitch muscles.
Moreover, like Sen. Cleaver, he will vote along the popular voting in KC...What? I'm sorry, say that again?
Oh.
Sorry, my sources have just informed me that Rev/Sen. Cleaver will NOT be voting as his parishioners/constituents (mostly poor black and wily Latinos) voted: he will instead vote for Sen./Goddess Clinton.
Never Mind.
Biff Frank
Sports Editor
WNBTv
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