By NADIA PFLAUM
Happy Friday!
Today’s Daily Briefs is brought to you by your cousin Greg in Omaha, who always forwards you outdated Internet jokes and photos of kittens.
It’s a hell of a drug. Jacques Lavigne, also known as Frank Moran (yeah, I like the Frenchy name better, too. Much more sophisticated) pleaded guilty in federal court yesterday to trafficking cocaine on the Plaza, selling it for $1,500 an ounce. He’s also 64 years old. Trafficking cocaine? I’m surprised he wasn’t selling those lil’ blue pills, knowwhatImean? KnowwhatI’msayin’?
I’m talking about Viagra.
Anyway, Lavigne/Moran was busted after the feds wired a “cooperating witness,” who recorded their conversations. Is that the nice term we’re using for “snitch” these days?
It’s, uh, also a hell of a drug. The fallout continues after a bunch of St. Joseph schoolgirls were hospitalized Wednesday after taking methadone pills a fellow student gave them. One was “excessively salivating.” Experts warn that kids experiment with their parents’ prescription pills, thinking that they’re safer than illegal drugs. If only that were true for synthetic heroin.
Cousin Greg said in an e-mail yesterday that this photo "will totally make you laugh until you cry."
If the decider says so. Yesterday Bush said that Iran wants nuclear weapons to “destroy people,” even though Iran’s government has always contended that they use their nuclear program only for civilian power plants.
Our president tends to misspeak. After all, he also admitted, "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating,” (as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002, thanks to Jacob Weisberg of Slate’s “Bushisms”).
But have you ever seen him beatbox?
It’s the economy, stupid. This whole tanking-economy thing didn’t just fix itself overnight, even after the Fed lent $13.4 billion dollars a day to banks as of Wednesday.
Oh, cousin Greg, that's dirty!
Great, now South Africa has herpes. Paris Hilton visited a private school in South Africa yesterday to comfort the children and sign photos of herself in a bikini.
Say, that reminds me, have you ever checked out this site?
Oh, and hey, before you go — type “French Military Victories” into Google and press “I’m Feeling Lucky.” It’s hilarious! Thanks, cousin Greg.
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Okay - I give up: bring back the non-funny guy.
He was at least non-funier than this.
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