By CHRIS PACKHAM
Free Mumia for the first 10 callers: Mumia Abu Jamal, dulcet-voiced radio commentator and convicted murderer, got his death sentence overturned on what a right-wing antihero cop from the 1970s would call a "technicality," but which new Pitch mascot the Gene Simmons Sex Tape would call a ROCKNICALITY! The Gene Simmons Sex Tape is an outspoken advocate for rocking, indifferent sexual encounters, rocking, and child gun safety.
Isn't he great? As the Noam Chomsky Endowed Professor of Descriptive Linguistics at Wellesley College, The Gene Simmons Sex Tape regularly wears a mortarboard. He'll be offering gun safety tips, witty asides, and -- if you're not careful -- he might just make you think. Anyway: Abu-Jamal's conviction stands, but since his prospects have improved -- specifically, to life in prison -- National Public Radio might consider hiring him for Morning Edition, the dry, chewy oatmeal of soporific early-morning news broadcasting.
Sometimes the phone rings at 3 a.m., and you want the person who answers it to understand dense, multi-layered postmodern narratives with extensive endnotes: Yes, I was looking at The Huffington Post. OHMYGODTHELIBERALMEDIA!!! So okay, while Daily Briefs fully endorses mandatory abortions ejected into medical refuse bags made from American flags, right now I want to focus on this headline and photo:
Yes, Hillary Clinton has been dodging her campaign trail creditors which I admit to thinking is kind of awesome. But what I want to know is whether or not the tall guy standing behind her is, in fact, Whiting Foundation genius grant recipient and novelist David Foster Wallace. It sure looks like him!
That would completely upend my campaign outlook. And now that I think about it, I kind of actually want the next President of the United States to be able to explain what, exactly, happened to tennis prodigy Hal Incandenza at the end of Infinite Jest. I'm not a one-issue voter, though; I'd also like to see a candidate endorse a "guns-for-fetuses" trade-in program whereby the government pays for the abortions of women who take guns from the cold, dead hands of NRA members. Now, that's liberal!
Stadiumless team dominates: The Kansas City Wizards defeated D.C. United 2-0 on Saturday, inspiring exactly zero incidents of car-tipping, including my own half-hearted shoving of a Ford Festiva. My inheritance of the "sports indifference" gene came as a heartbreaking disappointment to my football-watching dad, but I can barely work up a "smiling-and-nodding" degree of interest in American sports, let alone the uncircumcised European kind. Which, come to think of it, puts me in the same apathetic boat as most other Americans.
Gary Busey's thick helmetlike skull notwithstanding: Missouri motorcyclists are the worst in the country at wearing helmets.