The Republic Tigers continue to shape up to be the biggest band to come out of this area since ... who knows?
The day after the band's debut LP, Keep Color, comes out, the Tigers'll play the Late Show with David Letterman on
May 7 May 22. The last local band to play Letterman was the New Amsterdams, two years ago, on May 12, 2006.
The Tiger Tour:
08 Albany NY - Jack Rabbit Slim's
09 Clinton NY - Kirkland Arts Center
10 Northampton MA - Iron Horse
11 Westport CT - Toquet Hall Teen Center
13 Boston MA - Great Scott
14 Brooklyn NY - Southpaw
15 New York NY - Bowery Ballroom
17 Washington DC - DC9
19 Plymouth MI - Salem High School
Our story: Go Tigers
By ALAN SCHERSTUHL
Maybe it worked better on radio: Today, everyone visiting KMBZ 980's Web site -- a group made up mostly of mouthbreathers, Minutemen and anyone interested in using this century's technology to access last century'spolitical thinking -- is confronted with this catchy headline command: "Spell 'Participate.'"
That's not hard to do when the word's printed right there in front of me.
You know who could do it without the leg-up? Twelve year-old Morgan Brown, whose touching tale of Scripps National Spelling Bee denial and, this morning, acceptance captured the hearts, pages and on-air minutes of our media professionals. Unable to resist a story combining the white-hot topics of spelling and participation, the Star gives it both a hard-hitting Mike Hendricks column as well as an above-the-fold page-one headline, much more prominent than who-cares? bullshit like "Iraqi Forces Attack Militia." Iraqi forces? That's your news, old man!
Walk a Mile in My Fox: For My News, I turn to myfoxkc.com, which I link to with this caveat: your myfoxkc.com will likely look entirely different than mine. Like snowflakes and fingerprints, like the prophet Ezekial's conception of God or that creepy swamp cave in The Empire Strikes Back, every individual's myfoxkc is wholly unique and entirely relative. I can't link directly to mine, but I can tell you this much: there, reporters report news, and everyone's in any goddamn spelling bee they want to be in.
And this guy is mayor.
What's Red, White, and Black all over? According to this piece in The New Yorker abloody newspaper! Like all of them, apparently, including your Kansas City Star, which today was so thin I used it to bookmark my place in the Sunday Times.
Local media's three point plan to save print:
1. More stories about spelling bees.
2. More hard-hitting Mike Hendricks columns about spelling bees.
3. Make every newspaper My Newspaper.
Not on the agenda: re-investing in serious reporting and arts coverage until the daily paper is so vital to the cultural life of the city that nobody could imagine living without it.
Holy Shit! That Little Girl's Back in the Spelling Bee! That's according to KMBZ's morning news program, and then the Darla Jaye show, all on My 980 AM. My favorite thing about my 980 is the way they play those old-school sound-effects in the commercials. When they advertise Darla's podcast, for example, they play this dial-up phone noise, which signals clearly to me that they're talking about the Internet. When Darla starts the show, they play Lenny Kravitz's "American Woman," which alerts me to the facts that a) she's American, b) she's a woman, and c) that she'd better get away from Lenny Kravitz.
Sometimes, during promos for Shanin and Parks show, KMBZ even uses the record-scratch sound effect. Like this: the announcer will make some grand claim about Shanin and Parks' significance, and then the record will scratch, and the announcer will be like, "Yeah, right!" and then everybody starts laughing. This signals to me that Shanin and Parks don't know about CDs or iPods, but they do know that their show is retarded.
Other old-school sound effects KMBZ could use:
Effect: Astro the dog saying "Ruh Roh"
Situation: A caller's implied racist bullshit suddenly becomes explicit racist bullshit.
Effect: A springy, boneriffic b-o-i-n-g
Situation: Mike Shanin mentions Ronald Reagan
Effect: Puckered lips making a long, slow, spit-flecked sucking noise
Situation: An on-air personality shares his or her success on Slim For Life
That's All: But we must pay brief tribute to My Chris Packham, who has for months now, made Daily Briefs the Internet's only source of humor.
By ERIC BARTON
Journalists spend most of their time pointing out the screw-ups of others, so you have to hand it to Joe Posnanski for pointing out his own in this recent post on his blog. He lists three self-effacing — and pretty funny — blunders early in his career. Truth is, we can all likely relate to that feeling of thinking your latest screw-up is surely going to end your career early.
By Justin Kendall
Erotic City has filed a federal lawsuit that asks a judge to overturn a Jackson County ordinance outlawing sex in the video booths of adult bookstores in Blue Summit.
Click here to read the lawsuit.
And stay tuned for a cover story in tomorrow’s Pitch on Jesse Franklin Herd III, who admitted to prostituting his stepdaughter at Erotic City, a case that led to the county’s ordinance.
By ERIC BARTON
Suck it, Wichita. If you believe everything you read on Wikipedia — and why shouldn’tyou? — we get the word bombardier from Joseph-Armand Bombardier, a Quebec mechanic “who dreamt of building a vehicle that could ‘float on snow.’ In 1937, he designed and produced his first snowmobile in his small repair shop in Valcourt, Quebec.” So without Bombardier, we wouldn’t have that supercool vehicle that they use to get out to the hotel in The Shining.
We also wouldn’t have the airplane factory that might be coming to — a factory that’s giving bombardier-sized hard-ons to every local economic development type. Not everybody’s so excited. Over at BlogKC, Kansas City soonthey wonder if it’s smart giving tax breaks to an industry that’s in the shitter, and a shitter the size of a broom closet at that.
Speaking of being in deep shit. A Deepwater man could face a manslaughter charge after accidentally shooting his wife while trying to install a satellite dish. It seems Ronald Long shot his wife, Patsy, after using a .22-caliber gun to make a hole in the roof. If Long is charged, at least prisons have cable.
Now they’ve jinxed them. Mathematicians from South Carolina, who apparently have picked KU on their basketball brackets, say they’ve worked out a mathematical formula to show that the Jayhawks should win it all this year. Daily Briefs has been given an exclusive look at this formula, which shows a different outcome for KU.
By ANDY VIHSTADT
Friends of P
Portishead returns after a decade for its Third on April 29. Click here to order the special edition before eBay scavengers deplete the supply. The box set includes a P-shaped USB card with the album and five films, as well as a double LP and an etched 12” of the first single, “Machine Gun.” Check out the video here.
Paid in Full
The annual Paid Dues hip-hop festival took place in San Bernardino, CA, over the weekend. Sage Francis, who took second billing, and a few guest MCs from his Strange Famous Records roster put together a posse cut to commemorate the occasion. Grab it below.
Sage Francis, Prolyphic and B. Dolan: “SFR Pays Dues” MP3
Click More for more hot tunez.
By PETER RUGG
Fuck you, Grandma: You know how everything seems more competitive these days? Tougher job market, better-trained athletes, etc. But maybe we’re starting to carry it too far. Sure, a week ago everyone was talking about that woman who was on the toiletso long that she became a new species of human-toilet hybrid. Most people would probably say, "Wow, what a horrible story,” but the family of 85-year-old Hazel Byes looked at it and said, “Two years on the toilet? Hell, we can beat that.” So we end up with this story about how the woman was bedridden for eight years, lying in her own feces. Stories like this give me hope we’ll be able to challenge China in world economics in the next decade.
Fuck you, kid: I’m glad Mike Hendricks over at the Star's Prime Buzz says there’s a life lesson in getting banned from competition for Morgan Brown, the junior high student in Dearborn and winner of the Northwest Missouri Regional Spelling Bee. Brown was all set to compete in Washington, D.C., in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, but her school screwed up the paperwork and, whoops, she got kicked out for something she had nothing to do with. Hendricks notes that it’s “sad.” Thank God she’s learning that life isn’t fair and she’s not tough enough yet. Hendricks should really step in and have her oil-wrestle C.W. Gusewelle for her lunch money.
Fuck you, all you other kids: Luckily, we won’t have to worry about Brown’s younger peers growing up too soft, because Hannah Montana is around to get them started with life’s hard edges early. Sure, there was a lot of screaming and clawing and tearing of flesh to get tickets to the Sprint Center show, but that was mostly by the parents. The Center for Environmental Health released a report saying that at least nine of the pop star’s products have dangerously high levels of lead. This includes lunchboxes and baby bibs. So there’s another life lesson in those thermoses with Miley’s dead eyes staring out.
Fuck you, everybody else: The goal of all this is that by the time they’re old enough to get sent to the Middle East during what should be our 28th surge, long past the just-reached toll of 4,000 U.S. dead, these kids will be used to getting fucked around for no good reason and hopefully won’t expect an apology. And if anyone thinks otherwise, we’ll send them to Hannah Montana re-education camp.
By PETER RUGG
According to the site’s counter, not many people are watching Aaron Nickens’ series of videos on YouTube titled “Urban Testimony.” Not that it bothers him.
“I’m not trying to get the most hits. I’m trying to show that there are some people in the inner city who care enough to give other people a platform to say how they feel,” says the 37-year-old truck driver. Nickens, born and raised in the inner city of Kansas City, Missouri, started posting the videos three months ago. The idea is simple -- approach people living in the areas most affected by violent crime and give them a few minutes to talk about what they think should be done.
Nickens says he has never been a victim of violent crime. “But I don’t feel it should come to that to get involved,” he says. Most people he has interviewed tell him that the problem with crime begins at home, especially those with one parent. “Sometimes the mother who is the one there with the children most of the time, she can’t give those kids what they want because she so focused with keeping a roof over their heads.”
So far, he has posted seven, with at least 10 more on the way.
Cody Critcheloe and Drew Bolton of the Ssion have sspun video gold once again. The product this time is far more sinister than their previous opus, a dance-party-themed video for Tilly and the Wall's "Beat Control."
In the video for the Ssion's slow, dubby and sleazy maternal address "Ah Ma," Critcheloe gives a lady, presumably his ma (played by KC Mag editor Chadwick Brooks), a messy dye job that leaves her looking tres punk. The change to color at the video's climax, along with Critcheloe's depraved admission, I only walk like a fag 'cause of all of my blisters/And I only fuck girls 'cause you and dad never gave me a sister, make this one worth watching to the end.
By NADIA PFLAUM
Today’s Daily Briefs is brought to you by your cousin Greg in Omaha, who always forwards you outdated Internet jokes and photos of kittens.
It’s a hell of a drug. Jacques Lavigne, also known as Frank Moran (yeah, I like the Frenchy name better, too. Much more sophisticated) pleaded guilty in federal court yesterday to trafficking cocaine on the Plaza, selling it for $1,500 an ounce. He’s also 64 years old. Trafficking cocaine? I’m surprised he wasn’t selling those lil’ blue pills, knowwhatImean? KnowwhatI’msayin’?
I’m talking about Viagra.
Anyway, Lavigne/Moran was busted after the feds wired a “cooperating witness,” who recorded their conversations. Is that the nice term we’re using for “snitch” these days?
It’s, uh, also a hell of a drug. The fallout continues after a bunch of St. Joseph schoolgirls were hospitalized Wednesday after taking methadone pills a fellow student gave them. One was “excessively salivating.” Experts warn that kids experiment with their parents’ prescription pills, thinking that they’re safer than illegal drugs. If only that were true for synthetic heroin.
Cousin Greg said in an e-mail yesterday that this photo "will totally make you laugh until you cry."
If the decider says so. Yesterday Bush said that Iran wants nuclear weapons to “destroy people,” even though Iran’s government has always contended that they use their nuclear program only for civilian power plants.
Our president tends to misspeak. After all, he also admitted, "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating,” (as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002, thanks to Jacob Weisberg of Slate’s “Bushisms”).
But have you ever seen him beatbox?
It’s the economy, stupid. This whole tanking-economy thing didn’t just fix itself overnight, even after the Fed lent $13.4 billion dollars a day to banks as of Wednesday.
Oh, cousin Greg, that's dirty!
Great, now South Africa has herpes. Paris Hilton visited a private school in South Africa yesterday to comfort the children and sign photos of herself in a bikini.
Say, that reminds me, have you ever checked out this site?
Oh, and hey, before you go — type “French Military Victories” into Google and press “I’m Feeling Lucky.” It’s hilarious! Thanks, cousin Greg.
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