By CHRIS PACKHAM
Every April 1, the Internet becomes Carrot Top: Look: I just want to get my daily fix of news about MySQL stored procedure programming. Instead, every year on April 1, Slashdot transforms into Gallagher. It's crazy! Ominously, nothing pseudo-funny has appeared today as of this writing. It's a ticking time bomb of anti-hilarity, and when it explodes, it will be just like listening to an embarrassing co-worker do an elaborate impression of Jack Nicholson. Plus, it totally makes me shake my fist and scream "DAMN YOU NERDS!" like the John Goodman coach character from Revenge of the Nerds.
My solemn vow to you: I don't get blasted on St. Patrick's Day, I don't smoke pot on 4-20 and I don't lie about anything on April Fool's Day.
Nobody get sick: The most ironic Hillary Clinton campaign debt has to be the $292,000 in unpaid health insurance premiums for her campaign staff.
The Freshmaker! I want to take this story on a date, go back to the house and meet its parents: In Mississippi, as part of his self-described "Operation Chaos," beloved radio personality and Fight Club enthusiast Rush Limbaugh urged Republican voters to register as Democrats in order to vote for Hillary Clinton, thereby keeping the Democratic nomination process drawn out. Presumably after popping some Mentos candy tablets in their mouths, winking at the camera, grabbing a guitar case and pretending to be with the band. SUBVERSIVE!
BUT: Republican party-switchers in the 1st District who followed suit are now disallowed from casting ballots in today's tight runoff election between Glenn McCullough and Greg Davis to fill the seat vacated by former Rep. Roger Wicker. HAHA! There's a lesson here about the unintended consequences for people who model any of their behavior on the developmentally disabled novels of Chuck Palahniuk, kind of the Eve Ensler of disaffected white boys.
Libertarians and their Thetans: The Libertarian Party hosts a conference and presidential debate in Kansas City this weekend. In the past, I've pretended to confuse the fringe political views of the Libertarians with the coherence-challenging beliefs of the Scientologists.
This was a mistake. As Scipio Aemilianus said after the genocidal siege and annihilation of Carthage in 146 BC: My bad!!!!! I'd like to extend the cuddly "I'm Sorry" teddy bear of apology to my Libertarian and Scientological brethren by offering this helpful chart summarizing the difference between these two very different crazy doctrines:
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