By CHRIS PACKHAM
State of the Union of the City: Oversized novelty Mayor of Kansas City Mark Funkhouser gave his State of the City address Thursday, promising to lure 50,000 new residents to the metro with light rail, his own sheer animal charisma, more Power & Light Districts than you can shake a Cajun-style batter-fried stick at, and the "reconstruction" of Kansas City's sewer system, also known as the oldest surviving veteran of the Civil War (as movingly narrated by historian Shelby Foote in the Ken Burns documentary series There's Poop in Brush Creek). Remember back when the previous sentence started? How young and innocent we were?
The mayor says he envisions making areas like 27th and Prospect as sexxxy as the 63rd Street and Brookside neighborhood, and he's holding a brainstorming symposium to figure out how. Which is AWESOME, because in ancient Greece, a symposium was an intellectual drinking party dedicated to the discussion of a topic, and it's my firm conviction that alcohol has been absent from public policy discussions for way too long. Although I can certainly testify to alcohol's contribution to the ailing medium of print publishing. FRIDAY OFFICE BEER — WOOOOOOO!
Kansas City is a little less Hoenes-y today: TV personality Meredith Hoenes has been fired or has resigned or has mysteriously disappeared from KSHB Channel 41. General Manager Rick Iler sent an e-mail to staffers:
Meredith Hoenes is no longer an employee of KSHB/KMCI. Please do not allowed Meredith in the building without the knowledge and consent of Craig Allison, Tracy Wakeman or myself.
Channel 41 staffers: Why not send me some details? I absolutely guarantee total anonymity, including the editing of identifying grammatical errors. Have you followed Iler's orders not to "allowed" Meredith into the building? How did she take it? Are there any more Hoenes-related e-mails from General Manager Rick Iler? Any unrelated e-mails with grammatical errors I can make fun of? Send them to me! I will totally make you a friendship bracelet with both of our names on it.
New Daily Briefs Feature: GET THE FUCK OUT! This is a feature in which I tell you something that happened, and then I tell it to GET THE FUCK OUT!
Wait, whuuuuuuuuuuut? Do you honestly expect me to believe that you can see a quantum Hall effect in the absence of an externally applied magnetic field in a goddamn fucking bulk crystal of bismuth-antimony? GET THE FUCK OUT, scientists! Plus — to put icing on the cake — NBC will replace Conan O'Brien with Jimmy Fallon on Late Night. WHAT? Dane Cook is a WAY more unappealing douche — wasn't he available? His delusions of film stardom haven't evaporated yet? SRSLY? GET THE FUCK OUT!