By CHRIS PACKHAM
Stimulate This: Your free money from the government is coming early. How awesome is that? We're all getting a $600 check from Grandma! The IRS has started direct deposits of economic stimulus payments. Did you know that Wal-Mart will cash your economic stimulus checks at no charge? I'm going to spend my free government money on some Yosemite Sam mudflaps for my house. And I'm not going to think about the desperation of bureaucrats who would give away money from the treasury to smelly old regular people.
There Will Be Super Premium Unleaded: Are you prepared for $10-per-gallon gasoline? HAHA! Of course you're not. That's like preparing for heart cancer! Nobody plans for heart cancer. I guaran-damn-tee it's not penciled in on my — whatever, my list of "things to watch out for." And if I get bad news from the minimum-wage teenagers who run the clinic at Wal-Mart, I'll probably just spend my economic stimulus check on a Sam's Choice coffin.
But anyway. There are these two oil industry analysts? Who work at some think tanks? And they say gas prices in the United States are about to get heart cancer. Globally, this isn't a big deal — in John Kerry's Europe, gas already costs whatever the metric equivalent of $10 is. It's crazy over there! They have tiny cars that get, like, 700 hectometers to the decilitre.
They're the size of the Jarvik 12 artificial heart you're going to have to buy when you get the heart tumor. Additionally, the Europeans also make a kind of "transportation" available to the "public." This will come as a shock to Americans, though, because even our artificial hearts run on two-stroke internal-combustion motors. The Jarvik 12 starts with just one pull!
Is your vote available for purchase? Just asking: Sen. Hillary Clinton is strongly in favor of petroleum-based government money handouts in the form of a suspension of the federal excise tax on gasoline during the summer travel season. That's, like, 18 cents a gallon. Nice! They might as well go ahead and crown her the President of Transportation now, because her elitist opponent and incandescent new star of Fox Sunday, Sen. Barack Obama, says that approach would save consumers little and wouldn't curtail oil consumption. How out of touch can you get? Game, set, match, Muslim terror agent Barry Obama. We'll be listening to the antiseptic, monotonous drone of Hillary Clinton reciting her policy bullet-points for the next eight years.
Come back to the raft ag'in, Huck honey. The awesome thing about college fiction-writing workshops is the sheer number of short stories set in coffee shops, in which every character smokes cigarettes. And the other short story produced by freshmen authors is about a girl who gets pregnant and has her asshole boyfriend leave her. Optional: The climactic abortion. This is the 19-year-old girl version of a post-apocalyptic nuclear scenario.
But now, UMKC students will be writing short stories about abortion-having 20-year-olds who float down the Mississippi. The Mark Twain Creative Writing Workshop returns to UMKC for the 29th year June 7-29. Also: It's totally not restricted to students. Anyone of college age or older can participate. Call 816-235-1305 for more information. Here is an actual scene from the claymated life of Mark Twain: