By CHRIS RASMUSSEN
We weep with you, Sluggerrr.
I give up. This season's over. It isn't just the eight-game losing streak or that the Royals are once again in last place. Yesterday, the Royals trailed 4-0 in the second inning. The game was over -- they are fortunate to score four runs in a weekend, let alone an entire game.
So this season's over. As I do every season, I consult the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief to deal with the inevitable depression of yet another lost Royals season.
1. Denial: Normally, reality confronts Royals fans shortly after spring training. This year, denial lasted until late May. I thought the Royals had a chance -- in part because our division this year is atypically mediocre. Sure, the Royals were below .500, but they were only three games off the lead. And Gordon and Butler will improve, while the young pitching continues its terrific performance.
2. Anger: Why the fuck is Tony Peña Jr. playing every day?! Does he have compromising pictures of Trey Hillman or Deyton Moore?
Ok, I'm still in that phase every time I see him at the plate.
3. Bargaining: Sure, I knew the Royals can't score runs. But I thought there was one way to avoid it: sign Barry Bonds.
He's a left-handed power hitter! That said, he is a clubhouse cancer, so immobile in the field that he resembles an exhibit at Madame Tussand's and may actually be wearing an ankle bracelet by August.
4. Depression: Rather than watch the DVR replay of yesterday's Royals-Blue Jays game, I spent last night watching the "Andromena Strain" on A&E. Yes, last night I preferred a movie featuring an apocalyptic genetic virus causing those afflicted to commit suicide in bizarre fashion that debuts on basic cable to watching the Royals.
5. Acceptance: OK, this season's over. But we're playing the kids and hopefully this pays dividends in two or three years. Jose Guillen isn't a complete waste of money. The amateur draft is only two weeks away, and last year's first-round pick, Mike Moustakas, is finally heating up.
6. Repeat Step One: Hey, the Chiefs open camp in a couple of months!
Maybe -- I say, as I re-enter denial -- the offensive line improves and this is Brodie Croyle's year...
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Jeremy: Peter Angelos vs. David Glass -- that's kind of a fun matchup of bad owners. I think Angelos is worse, while the Royals are in a worse situation.
Paul: I cannot believe Butler will finish with a slugging percentage under .350. That said, we have Butler/Teahen/Gordon/Guillen as our power bats -- all four of them are below league average in OBS. And Tony Pena in his wildest dreams will hit as well as Cesar Izturis, who has Pujols (who is FAR above average, more so than Izturis is below avg.) to offset his weaknesses.
JJ: I appreciate your optimism. But I've also been a loyal Royals fan for two decades and have seen this story.
Wow, how depressing! Yes, the Royals are on an eight game slide right now, but this season still has promise. Geez, it's only May! I still think we will be in contention come fall.
And as a long time suffering but Loyal Royals fan, it's at least exciting this year.
Apparently you have not looked at the standings lately. The Royals are only 7.5 games out of first place, tied for 4th in the AL Central with the Detroit Tigers, who were the sexy pick for AL Champs.
Don't be such a quitter, Rasmussen. So what if they have the lowest OBP in history. So Tony Pena can't hit. Well, Cesar Izturis plays SS for the Cardinals, and I don't see their fans mailing it in. What we need in this town is fans with good ol' fashioned gumption.
Here's the optimist's view: Bannister's GB% is all the way down to 39%. Once he figures out he's not a flyball pitcher, Watch OUT! Billy Butler's GB% this season is the same as Miguel Tejada's career GB%. Just wait till some of those ground balls find holes. Why do you need your DH/1B to hit homers if he hits .330? I'll take the ol' boy who puts the ball in play. And just one more thing to buck ya up: eventually they'll run into a few lefthanders in a week, so Miguel Olivo can DH. Then you'll see this offense light up like a Roman Candle, I tell ya!
Buck up, son, these Royals are about to make a move!
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