By REAR ADMIRAL CHRIS PACKHAM
After a careful review of my own record and accomplishments, I've given myself a series of merit-based promotions and have achieved the rank of rear admiral.
As a two-star admiral, I outrank commodores and captains, but I still have to report to, and salute, Vice Admiral E. Thomas McClanahan. Frankly, I considered promoting myself to Staff Sergeant Chris Packham because "staff sergeant" sounds unbelievably badass and simultaneously evokes my "staff." But frankly, I've always felt the call of the sea, and I look completely fabulous in my dress whites. One of my command responsibilities is the daily aggregation of news items. You can find today's dossier below the jump by clicking here or on the portrait of Rear Admiral Elis Treidler Öberg, Chairman of the Inter-American Defense Board:Jocks v. Nerds The Supreme Court waved magical fantasy baseball leagues right on through to the dork lane yesterday, by refusing to hear a case involving the ongoing dispute between professional baseball and C.B.C. Distribution and Marketing, a magical fantasy baseball business. Major League Baseball — shaking its fist and shouting "NEEERDS!" just like the coach from Revenge of the Nerds — claimed that player statistics and the names of players and teams were their proprietary intellectual property, and denied C.B.C. a license to use them. C.B.C. sued, claiming that because the player names and statistics were readily obtained from newspapers and other public information sources, they could not be claimed as intellectual property. Since nanomicroscopes are not yet advanced enough to measure the size of my interest in real baseball, let alone your nerd Holodeck faaaaun-tasy variants, my empathy with the nerds derives from all the time I've spent pretending to be an elf in various electronic entertainment platforms. So, SOLIDARITY, my brothers.
Free gas from the government: I did a lot of highway driving last night in order to run my tank empty and get free gasoline from the Motorist Assist program of the Missouri Department of Transportation — it's very convenient for me, because they'll drive right out to wherever I'm stranded. While I was waiting for them, I turned on my navy-issued Hammacher-Schlemmer water-and-shock-resistant portable TV and saw this report by Bev Chapman about the Motorist Assist program on KMBC Channel 9. "What a coincidence!" I said, slapping my forehead. A double-coincidence, because once, when I used to work at a coffee shop in the City Market, Bev Chapman came in and ordered a latte. I thought about telling her that she looked even better in person than she did on TV, but then, in a rare flash of circumspection, I figured that was exactly the wrong thing to say to somebody who was heading off to her fancy job on the TV. So instead, I pretended to have absolutely no clue about who she was and rudely threw her change on the counter.
Anyway, last month, Motorist Assist gave away 364 gallons of gas — about 90 of them went to me, so I'm pretty much personally responsible for the increase over the 300 gallons it gave away in January. Although the report attributes the increase to the rising cost of gasoline. Who are you going to believe? Me or Bev Chapman? And yes, like a good parent in the midst of a custody dispute, I'm asking you to choose.
East-bound and down: Enormously popular Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt is traveling around the state in an RV solving mysteries, while promoting Missouri vacations to people who already live in Missouri — which is kind of like the slogan printed on Wal-Mart's employee paychecks that says "Spend it where you earn it." Inexplicably, 292,000 Missourians work in "tourism related" jobs, which at first glance represents adorable heights of optimism. But I think they count people driving in from border states to buy fireworks as "tourists," so the numbers are a little deceptive. As a way to make extra money, I've been running an illegal bed-and-breakfast out of the men's restroom at Buzzard Beach. I kick a percentage back to the house, and they keep their mouths shut. But that's just me — I truly believe in Missouri, its people and its way of life. Message to Gov. Blunt: There's a cozy sleeping bag waiting for you in Westport, if you happen through Kansas City.
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