By CHRIS PACKHAM
I've been spending a lot of time on Kansas City's best Web site, the official site of Channel 38 the Spot. Like Channel 38 the Spot host Holly Starr, I've been involved in the entertainment industry since age 12, and my career in Hollywood didn't so much work out.
Also like Holly Starr, I take "the most pride from being a positive role model." That's why I work three nights a week with the youth group for the Middlebury Institute separatist organization. The hours are long, but when you hear a kid talk about smashing the Amerikkkan empire, you know it's all worth it. After the jump, a full-throated denunciation of the United States, and tips for getting wine stains out of upholstery. Click here, or on this anti-American North Korean poster depicting a Cloverfieldian Korean private smashing the Capitol dome:Nonshock nontrauma: At this point — and somebody with access to brains should conduct a study — I think it's pretty clear that the human brain is nailproof. If I wanted to cause damage to someone's brain, I might use a hammer or a grout trowel or really anything else from the toolbox that isn't actually a nail, because news stories about people with intracranial nails always end with gasps of amazement that the victim is still alive. You know what? No surprises, there. At this point, the shocking end of the story would be either the victim dying a horrible bloody death or acquiring murder-solving powers of clairvoyance.
OH, LOOK! Here's a story about a guy in Shawnee whose friend accidentally shot a 2-inch nail into his head. You're probably flapping your wrists and sobbing like you just watched your favorite movie, Steel Magnolias, and saying, "Oh, that poor, poor man. Why do such awful things have to happen? My thoughts are with his family." Well, guess what? His brain-generated thoughts are with his family, too, because in a nonsurprising unshock ending that would never occur to M. Night Shyamalan, he survived. The article says, "Chandler's family said that if the nail had entered his head just a millimeter lower, the nail could have left him paralyzed or caused serious damage to his speech or eyesight." OH! I didn't realize Chandler's family was a doctor. All the evidence provided by medicine and journalism over the last hundred years contradicts that whole "paralyzed" theory. Also, historically, railroad spikes won't do the job, either.
I am a very important man: In my capacity as an international power broker, I received my annual invitation to the Bilderberg conference, a meeting of the shadowy group of old men that secretly runs the world. This year's conference was held at the Westfields Marriott in Chantilly, Va. Attendees included Henry Kissinger, Ben Bernanke, Charlie Rose and a bunch of old European guys. So, what are the Illuminati — oh! I'm sorry — the "Trilateral Commission" members like in real life? Well, it's kind of like the convention of a political party:
All the big decisions about controlling world governments were actually made weeks in advance, by their staffs, and at the conference, they mostly sat around the hotel, farting and shooting themselves up with insulin while watching Cocoon. Kissinger kept wandering out to the pool with his towel and his droopy old man boobs, trying to pick up chicks. As it turns out, power is only a so-so aphrodisiac, and I think he was leaning pretty hard on Cialis and roofies. I'm serious ladies: Do NOT drink anything he hands you.One of the few surprises at the conference was the group's decision to have Phill Kline seek re-election for Johnson County District Attorney — they don't give a shit whether he wins or loses; they just seriously dislike his opponent, Republican Steve Howe. Some old beef about the Bilderberg group's Midwest tour in a van back in the '70s and some missing amplifiers and some serious damage to a motel room.
Pokemon is the new cigarettes: In a shock sting report that will shock you, KSHB Channel 41 discovered area stores willing to sell Grand Theft Auto IV to underage kids. Oooooh! News flash: Motel room sheets have semen stains! Look, I realize that the role of local news broadcasts is to be the panel of adults that outlaws dancing within the city limits, and if KSHB had its starchy old middle-aged way, all kids would be enrolled in military school and disallowed from following their dreams to become country singers or raise alien visitors in their closets. But honest to god, in my long adult life of contributing to the delinquency of minors, I've never once encountered a kid who was driven to the edge by pretending to be a space marine. The other day while I was buying some malt liquor for some eighth-graders, I conducted a sort of informal survey whereby I asked them if they had ever e-fired a virtual shotgun at a simulated cop, and they all answered in the affirmative before paying me the $25 I'd demanded for getting their six-pack — without complaining. These are good kids, Channel 41, if you'd just open your eyes and sit down and maybe have a beer with them.
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Did you see Kathleen Sebelius at Bilderberg? I heard she attended this year. I guess the elite want her to be Obama's veep, especially considering that she also attended the 2007 meeting in Istanbul, Turkey.
Anyone in Kansas have the guts to bring her up on charges that her attendance is a violation of the Logan Act, punishable by up to 3 years in federal prison?
hey hey hey!
hold on there, good buddy. kshb does sum dang fine reporting: why, just this morning crista dubhill's blog delved into the meta issues associated with toddler's starting diest at 2 years of age.
an astounding piece of reporting! right here! -
http://community.nbcactionnews...
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