By CHRIS PACKHAM
The Mars Phoenix lander called up NASA's hamburger phone to report that the red planet's eggo is preggo with water ice.
Now we're one step closer to terraforming Mars and escaping from our dying world. Someday, we'll meet at Space McFadden's in the Cordish Company's Mars LIVE District, and drink a few Marsjitos — look, I don't create the hokey cocktail names of the future, I just report 'em. Will we be allowed entrance while wearing the silver jumpsuits favored by the black urban spaceyouths of the future? After the jump, a look at the ancestor of the Cordish Company's future dress code, also known as the present-day Power & Light District dress code, accompanied by rock-solid fashion advice for dressing up like a white person. Here's a hint: What would Bill Engvall wear? Click here, or just punch this picture as hard as you can with your dominant fist:LADIES BEWARE: This man will ply you with his obvious romantic wiles and steal your checkbook. His name is Jerome S. Sternlieb, and this story says he romances single ladies and disappears with cash, checks and, in one case, a rental car. Someday, when I'm retired, I can only hope to have the same burning animal magnetism as his police mug shot, but I do have this advice for geriatric Lotharios: You cannot take a woman's ATM PIN. She must willingly give it to you, along with her heart and whatever she has in the money market account left to her by her dead husband.
Bib overalls welcome: The Kansas City, Missouri, City Council has heard that the dress code restrictions at the Power & Light District might be discriminatory. With its prohibitions on exposed necklaces worn by men, untucked shirts and white T-shirts, you'll have to forgive people across the spectrum of America's United Colors of Benetton for thinking that the district is specifically recommending that black people try to dress up a little more like the cast of Yes, Dear.
It's not that the Cordish Company is trying to enforce the "whites only" policy your great-grandparents fought for during the Spanish-American war; it's just that they're trying to reclaim our hallowed white heritage of dressing like idiots. I don't know much about women's clothes — other than that they would look really awesome at the foot of my bed! — but I have pretty strong opinions about the ridiculous clothes white dudes wear. Following is a guide for black men who would like to patronize the Power & Light District unmolested by the day-labor security team Cordish picks up at the Labor Ready office each morning:
Pleated Khakis
The single most emasculating innovation ever developed by the fashion industry. White men like pleated khakis more than any other pants style because — uh, well, because they make you appear as though you have wide, child-bearing hips? Also, there's no better way to say "I'm wearing an adult diaper" than allowing the waist and crotch of your pleated Dockers to bunch up when you sit down. A really shitty trick that only Americans fell for.
Sunglasses With Croakies
Wearing your sunglasses around your neck keeps your hands free for engaging in such white activities as flashing douchey faux gang signs and hustling black kids wearing gold chains toward the nearest exit.
Goatee
Will immediately make you look like a white suburban dad, and it's a cheaper affectation than a PT Cruiser. Pairing his goatee with an assholish crimped-bill baseball cap, this man is the Platonic ideal to which all McFadden's patrons aspire.
Sweater Vest
The sweater vest emphasizes whiteness while diminishing masculinity, assuming you define "masculinity" as "possessing a dick." This man has paired his sweater vest with an implausibly yellow pair of twill pants, pushing him a bit too far toward the Ronald McDonald side of the Caucasian fashion spectrum. Not recommended unless you feel really, really white.
Oh, fuck this guy
Really offensive. The fashion equivalent of Billy Joel's An Innocent Man album. This outfit is so stereotypically white that it's just outright racist, and racism is uncool, unlike staying in school and reading books. Click it or ticket. Stop snitching. Only a real "dope" huffs jenkem.
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We bust caps in whiteboys like dat and there suburban fashion. we be keepin it real by celebratin our failed street gangsta MTV cribs and with our hip-hop culture dats wack. U no whad im sayin? Skool is for the Cosby Show no black man ever wanna better himself U know what i be sayin?
sweater vests are bad? Really? I am so screwed.
What would happen if you showed up to P&L in zubaz? I would totally be in favor of that ban.
There is only one way to solve this problem without discriminating against anyone's (ridiculous) sense of "style".
Forbid all clothing in the Power & Light District and turn it into one big nudist entertainment zone.
I can guarantee nationwide press coverage and the convention business will quadruple.
You're welcome.
When was the last time anyone here screaming "victim" was at the P&L? This past weekend there were more black bouncers working the doors than whites! The guys at Maker's Mark were 300 lb black dudes wearing blazers with open collars! Those same bouncers were turning away blacks and whites alike for not meeting code.
I guess they're just a bunch of "Toms" aren't they? Can't be "black" unless you wear the long white T's, Sean John, Timberlands, and have a medalian hanging low.
Shut up.
Yeah, Fred, the problem with Bannister and Indian Springs is that black people were going there, not that developers and the city abandoned those sites to make newer, bigger, shinier, whiter malls and Legends and Rose Zones and Electric Avenues elsewhere.
White people who blame black people for urban decay are like geeks who blame Christopher Reeve for Superman 4. Just 'cause he's in it don't mean he made it, chump ass.
You had me at "Oh fuck this guy," but you stole my heart with the jenkem reference.
The P&L dress code is also very successful in keeping out a very thuggish group known as white, overweight, 40-year old men. Security deemed his Royals jersey coupled with jorts to be unacceptable, along with most of the civilized world.
HAHA, Fred, you are totally Mr. Drummond's racist mom. Nice floral hat, lady. Race bait much? I thought we were talking about black kids, not "thugs."
The Power and Light District will be just fine with thugs taking over.
Signed,
Bannister Mall, Indian Springs Mall
Wow, Daily briefs! People care enough to troll you, now. Congratulations!
Now, if only there was a way to soothe the self-esteem of any white people you offended. Oh, I got it . . . they can enjoy savor their thousand year cultural dominance.
John, don't get me wrong -- some of my best friends -- and also relatives plus my girlfriend and myself -- are white people. You could say that I know those people. So while we're all "apploading" my openness and tolerance of the whites, and my sincere desire for them to realize how stupid they look in the clothes they buy at Sears, I think you need to take a look at Michael Jackson's "The Man in the Mirror." And maybe ask him to "make a change."
You forgot that your crime rate should be about 1/30th that of blacks, including violent crime, rape. You forgot that your tolerance of insult based on race should be very high as oppposed to none at all for the other races. you forgot that your not supposed to mention anything positive about your own people, nor even identify with other whites as a group; but you must appload other races and cultures for bonding with their own kind. what trash.
YOu also left out a very necessary accessory for the White Man: a clip-on cell phone holder for the belt. No 'Nilla can leave home without it.
See ya at Tengo Sed!
Mr. Pac-em-Ins,
First off, may I salute you on your willingness to hyphenate your name with your Islamic significant other?
It shows a consideration toward others that is nearly the epitome of Whiteness; I�ll bet you�re wearing waist-expanding, pleated dark Dockers even as we speak, n�est pas?
And so while your writing most accurately describes an adult male�s attire for a �night out on the town�, you are remiss in not addressing (ha ha) a more significant issue � dancing.
An adult white male should never be-bop, hip-hop, break dance, crunk or ska (although White males may ska if totally baked as it will be the only move capable to you).
I hope you don�t mind but I�ve taken the liberty of linking to THE �bible� of dancing for white men here.
�Word out, yo!�
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