Friday, June 20, 2008

Daily Briefs: Water ice on Mars, you guys! Plus: How to dress like a white man.

Posted By on Fri, Jun 20, 2008 at 10:09 AM

By CHRIS PACKHAM

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The Mars Phoenix lander called up NASA's hamburger phone to report that the red planet's eggo is preggo with water ice.

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Now we're one step closer to terraforming Mars and escaping from our dying world. Someday, we'll meet at Space McFadden's in the Cordish Company's Mars LIVE District, and drink a few Marsjitos — look, I don't create the hokey cocktail names of the future, I just report 'em. Will we be allowed entrance while wearing the silver jumpsuits favored by the black urban spaceyouths of the future? After the jump, a look at the ancestor of the Cordish Company's future dress code, also known as the present-day Power & Light District dress code, accompanied by rock-solid fashion advice for dressing up like a white person. Here's a hint: What would Bill Engvall wear? Click here, or just punch this picture as hard as you can with your dominant fist:

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LADIES BEWARE: This man will ply you with his obvious romantic wiles and steal your checkbook. His name is Jerome S. Sternlieb, and this story says he romances single ladies and disappears with cash, checks and, in one case, a rental car. Someday, when I'm retired, I can only hope to have the same burning animal magnetism as his police mug shot, but I do have this advice for geriatric Lotharios: You cannot take a woman's ATM PIN. She must willingly give it to you, along with her heart and whatever she has in the money market account left to her by her dead husband.

Bib overalls welcome: The Kansas City, Missouri, City Council has heard that the dress code restrictions at the Power & Light District might be discriminatory. With its prohibitions on exposed necklaces worn by men, untucked shirts and white T-shirts, you'll have to forgive people across the spectrum of America's United Colors of Benetton for thinking that the district is specifically recommending that black people try to dress up a little more like the cast of Yes, Dear.

It's not that the Cordish Company is trying to enforce the "whites only" policy your great-grandparents fought for during the Spanish-American war; it's just that they're trying to reclaim our hallowed white heritage of dressing like idiots. I don't know much about women's clothes — other than that they would look really awesome at the foot of my bed! — but I have pretty strong opinions about the ridiculous clothes white dudes wear. Following is a guide for black men who would like to patronize the Power & Light District unmolested by the day-labor security team Cordish picks up at the Labor Ready office each morning:

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Pleated Khakis

The single most emasculating innovation ever developed by the fashion industry. White men like pleated khakis more than any other pants style because — uh, well, because they make you appear as though you have wide, child-bearing hips? Also, there's no better way to say "I'm wearing an adult diaper" than allowing the waist and crotch of your pleated Dockers to bunch up when you sit down. A really shitty trick that only Americans fell for.

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Sunglasses With Croakies

Wearing your sunglasses around your neck keeps your hands free for engaging in such white activities as flashing douchey faux gang signs and hustling black kids wearing gold chains toward the nearest exit.

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Goatee

Will immediately make you look like a white suburban dad, and it's a cheaper affectation than a PT Cruiser. Pairing his goatee with an assholish crimped-bill baseball cap, this man is the Platonic ideal to which all McFadden's patrons aspire.

Advanced Techniques

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Sweater Vest

The sweater vest emphasizes whiteness while diminishing masculinity, assuming you define "masculinity" as "possessing a dick." This man has paired his sweater vest with an implausibly yellow pair of twill pants, pushing him a bit too far toward the Ronald McDonald side of the Caucasian fashion spectrum. Not recommended unless you feel really, really white.

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Oh, fuck this guy

Really offensive. The fashion equivalent of Billy Joel's An Innocent Man album. This outfit is so stereotypically white that it's just outright racist, and racism is uncool, unlike staying in school and reading books. Click it or ticket. Stop snitching. Only a real "dope" huffs jenkem.

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