By CHRIS RASMUSSEN
Umbrellas don't protect fans from what's on the scoreboard.
Over the weekend, the Royals stumbled upon the one promotional idea guaranteed to sell out the stadium:
Blow up a lot of shit and blow it up real good.
The Royals will try a number of promotional schemes this year. Some, like Friday, involves blowing up things in the sky. Some, like the Billy Butler jersey giveaway, will blow up in the Royals face. Whatever the case, unless the Royals play National League teams for the rest of the year, the Royals need promotions and giveaways in order to draw fans to watch a dismal team.
Here’s some suggested promotions:
Mike Sweeney Commemorative Bobblehead Night: Once you make the head bobble, the doll will immediately have back spasms, rendering it useless for years.
Viagra Presents Tony Peña, Jr. Night: A company providing temporary relief from erectile dysfunction promotes the league’s most impotent hitter. Never has the outfield’s water spectacular provided such a mixed message.
Authentic Royals Build-A-Bear Night: Each bear will have its arms raised in a mock surrender, precisely the pose the Royals adopt each season by August 1.
Billy Butler Bobblehead Night Sponsored By Stuckey’s: The bobblehead will display more range on your desk than Butler often displays in left field. As a promotional tie-in, Stuckey’s will provide a free map specifying the location of their restaurants on I-29 from KC to Omaha.
David Cook, Sing For Us Forever Night: This night is devoted to the Royals’ attempts to kidnap the American Idol winner and force him to perform every night at Royals stadium. If the Royals are successful, the Royals draw thousands of additional adoring teenagers who spend the game texting each other.
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DMV:
You know the only thing saving the Tony Pena bobblehead promotion? The rosters expand to 40 men on September 1st.
Jose Guillen baby night, sponsered by Huggies: Each parent and child gets a pack of huggies.
Oh, they actually have a TPJ bobblehead night coming up in September. If they designate him for assignment before then, I'm sure they can pawn it off for Mike Aviles bobblehead night. It's not like those things look anything like the players
paul:
no way I'm with you on Shaq. Not after what he's doing in Orlando to those suffering from the re-fi crisis. This wasn't a high-profile "I'M DOING A GOOD DEED" celebrity pose -- he didn't want to be found out.
I hate to say that Jason is right about the Hearne-ness. They have won 8 of 9. We need Jo-Po-esque screeds about playoff seedings! So it's not against the Big Boy League - throw us a bone here.
Am I the only one who thinks it is really important to know that Shaq had a vasectomy? Any time a complete moron waste of oxygen voluntarily takes himself out of the breeding pool, that's a good thing.
C'mon, Jason:
Come up with your own and post in the comments.
And I didn't know you could freestyle.
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