By CHRIS RASMUSSEN
Your author at work.
Is this thing on?
To introduce myself, I’m Chris Rasmussen, and I will be one of the authors providing content to this sports blog. When I started blogging some time ago at Bugs & Cranks, as the Royals correspondent, I possessed the three qualifications for any blogger:
(a) thoughts,
(b) opinions,
(c) occasional Internet access from work or home.
I started with a dream. By “dream,” of course, I mean “narcissistic desire for attention.”
Soon, I inexplicably received that attention, receiving a video log message from former Nebraska linebacker Trev Albert chastising me for my parenting skills. Impressed by my skills in gathering attention and by my utter irresponsibility, The Pitch soon offered me space to write for the Plog. During that time, I received numerous accolades from local bloggers ("I honestly can't tell if the Pitch is kidding around!"— Tony's Kansas City; "Nonsenical!" — Bottomline Communications).
And now they have spun me off to my own blog. Like every episode of another spinoff, Frasier, this is a hilarious case of mistaken identity. The editors of The Pitch mistook me for someone with “talent” and “a rudimentary understanding of grammar.”
But this is unlike other spinoffs. Unlike Joanie or Chachi, I love no one and no one loves me. Love is for the weak and deluded. Unlike the Jeffersons, my doorman only mutters obscenities. Unlike Laverne, I am not a lesbian, although I do find the single “Watershed” by the Indigo Girls quite catchy.
Unlike Maude, I will not have an abortion. That is my pledge to you, the reader.
But I digress. At this point, some of you might say, “This isn’t funny.” To you, I apologize. Also, go fuck yourself, gutless and anonymous reader. If you want wit, stop being so cheap and plunk down 50 cents to read Hearne Christopher Jr., this age's Oscar Wilde.
Until then, I’ll continue writing and expressing my opinion while hoping that the Supreme Court's rulings on the First Amendment shield me from litigation.
And waiting for the blogging groupies. I’ve been assured that they exist.
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Oooooh, ice-buuuuu-uuuuurn! Smartalex, you are the king of the SNAP and also the king of FREE CREDIT REPORTS CAR INSURANCE CREDIT CARD APPLICATION SEARCHPORTAL DOT INFORMATION.
More and more these Pitch blogs resemble the MySpace blogs that are as embarrasing as they are awful.
My band, Maud's Abortion, will be playing a benefit for Operation Rescue tonight at 9 p.m. at Homer's Christian Coffee Shop in Overland Park.
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